Dealing with Immense Lonliness

[doberman]

You can get free sci-fi audio story's from escapepod.org there's a huge back catalogue too.
Exercise is also a great way to get rid of the blues. I hope you feel better soon.

[Xantige]

Wow, I didn't expect so many replies, or for this thread to still be on the first page! I meant to return sooner but life happened.

I don't have enough time to respond to everyone, so I'll respond to the ideas and thoughts everyone has put down.

I do realize that adult life involves living alone, and being alone through some hard times without my mommy being there for me . Yes, it is hard, and I'll readily admit I'm still not ready to be there yet, but I'm getting there. I don't really like hearing that I'm whining, given the situation, I'd think it'd be a bit acceptable to seek help when family is dying and you've got 40+ hours of homework a week and you got from 20 years of living in a full house, to living in a dead one, left home to wonder how your beloved dying great gran is doing. But alright, I guess I'm a whiner.

All the same, while I don't typically respond well to the "shut up and buck up" type of advice, thank you for reminding me that life doesn't suck forever. And thank you guys for the advice. Things have gotten harder, my great gran will probably go this week, and I had midterms, and I've been super busy trying to do one of our hardest projects yet while finding time to make Halloween props and not break down crying in public.

As for hanging out highschool students... sorry, but no. I'm 4 years older than everyone else in my classes, and it can be hard enough being with THEM, let alone people 6-8 years younger than me. While I love my 18 year old college friends, none of them really realize that there are bigger things than schoolwork, and none of them are willing to put time aside to be there when I need them. They're fun friends, but none of them want to hear me talk about death and how I don't know where my life is going, or how hard it is to just finish homework I'll need to get in next year while seeing my great gran... I've got no one to talk to who's gone through things like this. Which is maybe the problem, I'm stuck surrounded by people that are "happy, happy, joy, joy" all the time, like whining about stupid things like a roommate who didn't cook them supper, or a teacher they swear hates the (who clearly doesn't). None of my friends are willing to be there for me, none of them give me a chance to talk or cry. And none of my family wants to talk about it, they grieve by not thinking about it and visiting often.

Plus, I just don't have time on my hands. I have to choose between cleaning and maintaining hygene, or having fun and keeping up my mental health, but I can rarely balance both. I don't have time for 40k games. I only get about 2-3 hours of freetime, including time to eat, shower and clean up. Sometimes it's less.

In the weeks that have past since I created this thread, I've come to realize it's not JUST being alone that gets to me. It's everything else. What's more fun than being home alone to do whatever you want, how you want? Even if I just had endless schoolwork, sure I'd get grumpy and stressed and even depressed sometimes, but I could manage with my friends and such... but when I'm stuck here BY the homework, FORCED to watch my family leave me behind, forced to hate myself for having 40-60 hours of homework ahead of me... sitting there drafting some stupid house or room, my mind focused on my great gran, and my life, and the friends that seem shallow and unwilling to be there for me... being stuck by myself for hours working on something I suddenly LOATHE while stewing in depression and relapses of other things...well, that's more than "boo hoo, I'm home alone and no one wants to give me attention". I've come to realize I'm trying to escape MYSELF, because stress has brought back a vicious inner beast that does nothing but shout me down from on high. "You're not an artist, you're an imposter," "22 and being out done by 18 year olds, you suck,""Here that? That's the sound of silence. It's the sound of DEATH. Welcome to endless stillness, you'll be trapped in this purgatory forever doing homework with no one thinking about you. No one will call or text you to see how you're doing. All those friends you have wouldn't care if you died tonight." ... just to give you all an idea of the thoughts that keep raging in my head. Yeah, I know I need to shut that vicious side up. I was doing well on keeping it locked up, but this situation has caused a lot of progress I've made to wear away over the months. I guess that's why I came here looking for advice on distractions.

Anyways. I'm not just back to whine and seek attention while I sit on my rear and cry. Day in and out I do what I need to do. I do my art homework despite feeling like the worst artist in the world with no one to talk to about how I'm feeling, friends that just make it worse, and a relapse of depression making everything harder, trying not to break down and cry over lots of things. Maybe I am a whiner and a child, but no one can tell me that I'm not trying... well... except that niggling thought in my head.

Anyways, thank you for putting up with my mess, Hive.

[gigasnail]

pm sent.

[gman25639]

Hope you feel better man. I know what it's like to feel like no one is around when you really need them, it's part of the reason I don't live with dad anymore. I don't think you are whining, you are having a rough time in life, and no one is around. One thing you can always be certain of is that tomorrow will come, and you can either groan about it, or you can go "Hey, it's another day, let's make it better than yesterday" . Trudge onward, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Carpe diem!

[yoritomo]

I think you miss understand some of our comments. Nobody here is telling you to stop complaining. Heck, we have 150+ pages of people just complaining in another thread (which reminds me, maybe I should head over to the gear grinder thread and tell people to stop complaining [insert evil laugh]).

What I'm trying to point out is that sometimes life just sucks. I know many people who think that life should always be gumdrops and lollypops and if that isn't the case then something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Sadly that is not the case. This is important because people who think that there is something wrong can't fix the real problem. People who can accept that life isn't always fun can objectively look back on their lives and see the real things that are keeping them from happiness.


While I don't have the time to give a dissertation on life, I would like to leave you with a simile. Life is like a juggler. Every task you get and every responsibility you have is a ball that you, the juggler, have to juggle. The world doesn't really care how many balls you have they'll just keep throwing new ones at you and expect you to juggle them. The problem is that no matter how many balls you are expected to juggle you still only have two hands. The key to someone in your situation is that you must look at all those balls and see which ones are the glass balls that must be handled with care and which are the tennis balls that you can drop freely.

[commandersasha]

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time X, I've missed your contributions recently. Though I think a few people have given answers that have come across as a bit harsh, I think I'd have to endorse them: You are in a rough place at the moment, and that is when exploring yourself, finding out what you can do and what you can't, will really come to the surface.

I can't possibly advise a forum buddy, as Tyranids don't expose your personality much, but I'd welcome a FB friend if you'd like to PM me.

As an idea for other distractions, I recommend spoken word comedy and drama: I download a lot of (British) Radio comedy from radioarchive.cc/torrents-search.php, a site for legal torrents from broadcast radio. I know you've done a bit of stand-up, I have no idea of your comedy tastes though!

Big hugs, hope your circumstances, or your ability to overcome them, improve xxx

[Xantige]

I'm sorry for the tone of my last message. I really shouldn't have been on any forums or social media at the time, the day before had seen a friend brush off my feelings to gab on about her homework and a roommate, AND inadvertantly insulting a piece of work I stated I didn't want criticism on, followed by a friend of a friend snapping at me for a joke I made to my friend, and it boiled down to him basically telling me there was nothing at all special about me as an artist in terms of talent. When I came on and saw a few posts that mentioned 'whining' and the like, it set me off again. I'm sorry, I've been cranky and short of late. Like most people, I don't like to be thought of as a whiner, although I do tend to talk about how I feel at length. The internet ends up being a repository for my more squishy feelings I can't share with the real people around me, because as presented above, they're about as sensitive as a rock.

Perhaps part of me IS looking for some sort of fix-all. I've always been the type of person that does a lot of problem solving. The idea that there are situations where no joy can be found, no reprieve... nothing easy or hard that could be done to cushion it... well it's just not something that comes to my mind much.

Thank you all for the kind words and the comforts. Sadly... yesterday was the day, my great gran passed on. I now find myself feeling a bit numb, and struggling to sit down and do homework, even with my ADHD medication (which is supposed to give me focus). I suppose now all i can do is grieve, and try and fill my sparse spare time with things I might enjoy. I'll have a bit more freetime now... this isn't how I wanted the home alone problem to end, but I did know it was coming...

[cavius]

While nothing helps with the loss of someone important, try to remember that you will always carry around your memories with you.
It helped when I lost my Mum a little.

I hope knowing people do care helps just a little

[gman25639]

Oh, sorry about that man. The key thing is to keep on truckin', your great gramma wouldn't want you to crash now would she? ANd frankly, the people that are about as sensitive as rocks around you, just ignore them, don't associate with them. If they aren't willing to listen and try to help you with your problems, they aren't real friends.

[Xantige]

Thanks for your kind words. It's good to know there's at least one corner of the (online) world I can go.

[Overread]

Nov 3, 2013 4:51:18 GMT Xantige said:

Thank you all for the kind words and the comforts. Sadly... yesterday was the day, my great gran passed on. I now find myself feeling a bit numb, and struggling to sit down and do homework, even with my ADHD medication (which is supposed to give me focus). I suppose now all i can do is grieve, and try and fill my sparse spare time with things I might enjoy. I'll have a bit more freetime now... this isn't how I wanted the home alone problem to end, but I did know it was coming...

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss and you've my sympathies.

What you describe with feeling numb and lacking a degree of focus is perfectly normal for anyone losing a close family member so don't feel bad in the least. Do grieve, its natural and normal and the most healthy thing you can do, don't try and repress it.
You'll find that if you let it out you'll be able to come to terms with things more readily and that in turn helps you recover from the loss and continue on.

It's hard times, but the Hive is here to help you through where we can javascript:openSpellCheck();

[whitetail]

Keep your head up mate, life goes on. Just remember all the good times you had together.

[Loplod]

Rushing to work and don't have time to read/reply

But we've all been there, and all I can say is that it DOES get better we're all gonna make it brah.

Stay safe xo <3