Dealing with Immense Lonliness

[Xantige]

Hello Hive, it's been forever.

My life of late has been (please do not swear). My great grandmother, who was like a grandmother to me (and whom I'm very close with) has been in the hospital on her deathbed for 2 months now. She's in the town over though, and with gas prices as it is, it's an expensive 1 hour drive to go see her. To make the most of it, my family usually spends the rest of the day at my grandparents ranch close by, helping them with chores and things, because it's hard on my grandmother to see her mother go (they lived together all their lives, it's a culture thing I guess). Usually my family goes up 4 or more days a week, and they aren't back home until 11pm the earliest, but usually now it's 12-2am. I can't go along usually because I either have college classes, work, or I'm doing homework. Being an art student, my homework isn't something I can just grab and go. This semester I'm doing a lot of drafting of backgrounds... my homework is literally taped to my desk and cannot be moved... well it could, but there's no table at the ranch I could use (somehow my grandparents only own round tables and desks)

I'm only taking 2 classes this semester, one is a lecture, meaning there's no talking allowed, and no opportunity to be or make friends. The other class is a studio, and it keeps me sane, but everyone in the class is new, and all my last year friends are in the next year of college. Their intense work keeps them from being able to socialize with anyone beyond their classroom, and most are too young and focused on work to stop and wonder if they're leaving me behind...

So... basically... I'm in a situation where I'm home alone about 4-6 days out of the week. This has never happened to me before. Home alone days were rare for me, and I loved them. But now I hate them. My family doesn't even leave the dogs, so I'm left in a dead house, forced to stay at my desk and draft away all day. But despite it all, I've done all I can to keep my mood up. I was doing well listening to podcasts, shows and songs, but I've depleted almost everything and I'm getting sick of it all. I then moved on to motivating myself to work by telling myself I could have 20 minutes to draw, game, read, etc, but now I've become bored of all my hobbies and ideas, either because I've hit a rut, or depression creeps in. I'm to the point now I almost want to cry when I see my folks drive away, and homework just gets harder to do when I'm alone... I tend to waste hours just moping. Being ADHD, I now realize just how much I relied on the life happening around me to help me judge the passage of time, but now it's easy for a 5 minute break to turn into an hour long search for what to do on my break. Even when I set alarms it's easy to turn them off and say "just 2 more minutes".

Basically... I'm at a point in my life where I don't know how to deal with loneliness, and I'm looking for help in any shape or form. I figured the Hive might be a starting place, since a lot of you guys are older, or you know the feeling (or both). I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I don't know how to fill the silence without distracting me from homework or getting annoyed at the same music... I've looked around online for advice, but everyone suggests things I don't have time for as a college student, like going to parties, going out for dinner, etc.

[WestRider]

I've been struggling with this a lot myself over the past month since I got laid off, and ended up with a lot of time on my hands. Haven't figured it out, but if I do, I'll let you know. Best of luck

[Overread]

A few ideas and thoughts that could be options for you to consider:

1) Try hunting around for an online chat room or making use of things like skyp or even facebook with friends. That can provide you a drop in and drop out chat environment where you can talk with friends (or make new ones if its, for example, a hobby based chat room). That might help ease some of the isolation you're feeling at present and; whilst not suitable in the super long term it might be enough to get you over the rut that you're in right now.

2) See if you're family can take a laptop with them - Skyp to chat with them at the hospital and ranch. If you go through skyp that also significantly keeps the costs down.

3) Audiobooks might be an option more so than they ever were in the past - though it might be an avenue you've already burned out.

4) You've not mentioned it, but have you consulted the uni/college support services with regard to your current situation? They might have local options to help you through this and at the very least making them aware of things now helps a lot in giving you some build up of a support structure. This can help prevent problems getting worse and means that you've already got some things in place incase things get worse (though I hope and don't expect them to).
This may also significantly let you have a support structure in place and option to get work extensions or take some extra time off uni to visit your great grandmother. This is an important part of life for you and isn't something that you should be left out of and most universities are very understanding about such matters that can arise.


Remember you've got friends here in the Hive to chat to and you've got support structures in place at your institution to help students like yourself through these situations. I wish you all the best in this!

[Squire]

I've lived alone for over three years now. The first time was my final semester at uni, I remember how weird it felt waking up to an empty house- nothing but silence. You get used to living alone though

Exercise is good when you're in a bad frame of mind, but it can be hard to find something you enjoy doing- especially if you aren't a sporty type. I'm spoilt for choice these days, but in the past that wasn't always the case, and the periods of my life when I was most down were when I wasn't getting any exercise (along with bad sleeping patterns, living conditions and work/study not going well).

The best way to meet new people is through hobbies.

[Xantige]

Oct 3, 2013 22:31:44 GMT Overread said:

A few ideas and thoughts that could be options for you to consider:

1) Try hunting around for an online chat room or making use of things like skyp or even facebook with friends. That can provide you a drop in and drop out chat environment where you can talk with friends (or make new ones if its, for example, a hobby based chat room). That might help ease some of the isolation you're feeling at present and; whilst not suitable in the super long term it might be enough to get you over the rut that you're in right now.

2) See if you're family can take a laptop with them - Skyp to chat with them at the hospital and ranch. If you go through skyp that also significantly keeps the costs down.

3) Audiobooks might be an option more so than they ever were in the past - though it might be an avenue you've already burned out.

4) You've not mentioned it, but have you consulted the uni/college support services with regard to your current situation? They might have local options to help you through this and at the very least making them aware of things now helps a lot in giving you some build up of a support structure. This can help prevent problems getting worse and means that you've already got some things in place incase things get worse (though I hope and don't expect them to).
This may also significantly let you have a support structure in place and option to get work extensions or take some extra time off uni to visit your great grandmother. This is an important part of life for you and isn't something that you should be left out of and most universities are very understanding about such matters that can arise.


Remember you've got friends here in the Hive to chat to and you've got support structures in place at your institution to help students like yourself through these situations. I wish you all the best in this!

I've actually come to use Facebook more often now because of all this. Thankfully I use it in a good way, by sharing pictures of my personal art, homework, and occasional other images. I also use it to chat with a couple friends, but my luck being what it is, of all my friends, only one is on facebook often, the others can go weeks without ever checking it. Skype tends to go the same way. Sadly, the hospital my great grandma is in doesn't have internet at all, so there's no way to skype there. We just recently got internet at the ranch though, so maybe I'll talk to my mom about facetiming from her ipad. It wouldn't be for long (my family is super active), but every bit helps. But maybe reaching out to chats and forums would be a good idea. I just have to be careful not to spend hours waiting for a response.

I've never thought of audiobooks actually... maybe I'll give them a try... if I can find any interesting ones for free. I can't torrent anything, and I don't want to pay $20-60 for an audiobook I may only listen too once.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by "support services". We're a tiny college sort of attached to a bigger college. All we have is a counselor (or maybe two now). I'm not sure who exactly to go to to discuss any sort of extensions. I have talked to my teachers about the situation with my great grandmother, and they're understanding, but not really able to change all that much other than allowing me time to complete the projects over summer or write a test at a later date. The program I'm in is very competitive and intensive, so I'm not sure how much leniency I would be given... I mean, there's got to be plenty of students in a similar situation as me or worse. Everyone feels overworked, isolated and trapped here.

Oct 3, 2013 22:36:49 GMT Squire said:

I've lived alone for over three years now. The first time was my final semester at uni, I remember how weird it felt waking up to an empty house- nothing but silence. You get used to living alone though

Exercise is good when you're in a bad frame of mind, but it can be hard to find something you enjoy doing- especially if you aren't a sporty type. I'm spoilt for choice these days, but in the past that wasn't always the case, and the periods of my life when I was most down were when I wasn't getting any exercise (along with bad sleeping patterns, living conditions and work/study not going well).

The best way to meet new people is through hobbies.

I agree with you, but part of what keeps me down is walking around the house and seeing my family's things everywhere. In a way, it's different from being on my own, in my own place. This house has always been bustling and lively for the 15+ years I've been here... always someone or some animal home, but now it almost feels post apocalyptic. And I can't explain it, but it makes it worse somehow. I guess it's like living with something big missing. It reminds me a lot of when my family stayed during the flood. We were the only ones in the neighbourhood. There was no sound of cars or people, and the whole street was dark and dead. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's somehow worse than if I was in a totally new place that never had anyone else living in it but me... then the loneliness would just seem like a normal part of the place.

But you're right, exercise and good sleep help. I've been doing what little I can: walking in the daylight 1-2 times a day, and taking breaks to do some weight exercises in the evening. My sleep has sadly gone to hell, I go to bed at 4-5am and wake at 11-12pm... honestly it's hard to go to bed after hours of homework with little to no personal time, so I accidentally stay up late doing something fun... then I don't wake up because all I have to look forward too is loneliness, procrastination, and homework. Try as I might, it really starts to grind my spirit down and erode the months and years of getting over my depression.

[Overread]

Another thought is diet - that can surprisingly affect how we behave and feel; so make sure you're eating well when you're home alone. Could be that you're not eating the right foods or enough or eating with a really erratic pattern that is throwing you a bit and making other factors a little worse.

Your Counsellor would be your first port of call to talk to along with your tutor. Open up the channels and have a chat; also look into how much involvement the larger institution has in this regard; might be that it can lend some support.

[yoritomo]

I hate to sound callous, but get used to feeling like this.

Look, this is part of being an adult. There are good time that you never want to end and there are suck times that you can't get though fast enough. They come and they go, that's all there is to it. The only thing I can say it that this bout of loneliness will end at some point. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but at some point it goes away and you just have to be there when it happens.

As for what you can do to help right now, just do something you enjoy doing. If it's movies then go see a movie. If it's art then go paint something (I got it, there's more to art than painting. You get my point). If it's family then find a way to spend more time with your family. And let me tell you, gas is cheap compared to what it takes to spend time with a deceased loved one.

Once you start doing something then find people who also like to do it too. Trust me, they're out there. Finding something in common is the hardest part of finding friends. And that lecture class, try showing up extra early. I'll bet there are a handful of people who will also be there early. You obviously have something in common with them, and I'm sure they'd love to talk to you.

[Bot]

Have you talked to your family about how you feel? Also, perhaps you could ask them if it's possible to have one of the dogs stay home while they are gone. Not that I think it would solve the problem, but perhaps it would help a little... And you know, it's just an idea of course. ^^

But yeah, here's hoping for a happy ending.

[Inquisitor Stingray]

Loneliness has played a significant role in my life as well, and while it can certainly take its toll on your sense of quality of life, I find it to be a twin-edged sword (or however that metaphor goes) insofar that while being lonely can be depressing, it is also the source from which I draw my energy. In a completely non-mystical way, that is. There's a very real difference between being alone and being lonely, between loneliness and solitude. I realize our situations may very well differ on several points, but in a sense I believe the loneliness can be embraced to such an extent that the notion or state of being lonely really isen't all that intimidating or depressing. I myself am rarely comfortable or at ease in the company of others and as such I prefer being in my own company. Still, being a social creature deep down, I still need to get out and about once in a while, but the often strenuous effort it takes for me to socialize now and then makes me appreciate my solitude all the more.

I'm not telling you to isolate yourself or somehow attempt to strangle your inner social creature (I've tried both, neither worked), just that, in my humble and ever-so-flawed experience, the feeling of loneliness, however overwhelmed and intense, can at least to some degree be transformed into a more peaceful state of solitude that entails no more than simply enjoying one's own company.

[gigasnail]

hang in there.

[gman25639]

If your friends are too busy to do anything, why not try to find some slightly younger friends? If you are in college I'm sure you would get along with a couple high school age 40k gamers, go to your local GW and find someone a little younger to play a game with, I am in high school and have more time on my hands than some college people.I've met, so if you have time, they are more likely to have time as well.

[Yuno]

Beside what Yori said (which I pretty much agree with).

Have you considered that it is time to learn about yourself as a person without all the crying about it? I mean, from a strictly story standpoint, you sound like you are at a crossroads. Someone close to you is dying, you are feeling the struggles of real life, and you feel you have no one to call on to help you. In other words, welcome to adulthood, take a donut, grab a cofee and sit down, we'll be here all day with the (please do not swear) and moaning our group has to do.

But it's the time to ask yourself, do you want to be someone that needs everyone else to exist? Do you like being held hostage by yourself? Because if you do, then by all means keep on the path you're on of complaining and feeling the desire for change. But if you don't, which would be sensible not to, become the boss of yourself. Life isn't all fun and games, as you are obviously learning. So in those circumstances, you have to call upon your own sense of willpower to keep working. And it won't be fun, it won't have music in the backround, and likely, it will suck like nothing has ever sucked. But at the end, you get to pat yourself on the back and feel good that you yourself did it without anyone else. People that want change make it happen. People that don't want change hit the alarm clock until they die.

There is a whole list of reasons for anything why you shouldn't or can't accomplish it. But if you want that thing bad enough, you'll make the room for it. I don't know what you do with your life, but if you want to make friends, go make them. Nothing is stopping you from finding someone out there. Maybe that someone is on the internet, maybe that someone is right next door. Maybe that someone doesn't have any of your interests but is still swell. So long as you talk about why you can't I can promise you other than acts of god, you won't get it.

Acts of men are better than acts of god Good luck.

[kotuku]

Hang in there, and good luck.

I second what a several others have said, most of all knowing that this time in your life will definitely end. There are a few concrete things that you can do right now that can help in the short term, and they really do make a difference- Have your family leave one of the dogs to keep you company; plan 1 day a week to go with them to the ranch next week; exercise at least a little bit every day; eat more healthily; meet with one of your professors at office hours to talk about a project and your difficulties right now. Each of those things will make a real difference if you make the decision to choose one and do it.

I would also really recommend calling the counselor / counseling center at your university. I'm familiar with how art schools are, it can be a pretty hectic place to be. A counselor will understand, and can likely help a lot. And if not, you've lost nothing except an hour that you got to spend talking to a real person who listened.

I obviously don't know about your religious beliefs, but the thought of losing someone close to you is never easy. Pair that with some extremely stressful work to complete, and I'm sure it's a pretty difficult spot to be in. Just hang in there, try something new, and know that it can get better. It sounds like your family is the best thing that you've got, and that's something special. Make the time to be with them, even if it's just a little bit, every week. You'll never regret it, even if it was 6 hours less at the desk. Good luck! Just the fact that there are a dozen people reaching out to you right now on the internet means something, right?

[Yuno]

Also I forgot, pictures and videos of cats. They're good for what ails ya! Just be very careful about how far you'll go on the videos side.

[barbedsparky]

While Yori was blunt, he is absolutely correct. At a certain time in every persons life comes a realisation (challenge to confirm) about their place and purpose. It can be quite painful to realise and it comes down the individual as to how and when it occurs. It's called life, unfortunately we all have to go through it. It would be nice to circumvent the downsides, but then we'd learn nothing.

Take it easy, but take it.
Al.