Imperial Christmas Report

[The Hive Mind]

Begin Transmission

Repetition of General Directive 264-A-XCIV

To: Distribution, Sectorium Primus From: Office of The Grand Inquisitor, Ebineezar Grinchanius Re: Yearly Chaos Incursion

This purpose of this notice is to remind the forgetful of the annual visitation by the minion of Chaos known to the unworthy as Santa Claus.

+++ The Emperor's Light Banishes the Shadows of Heresy +++

As the diligent will recall, the incursion occurs regularly every 8742 to 8766 terran hours, roughly corresponding to a terran year. This trespass has occurred with disturbing regularity since at least the Horus Heresy, and perhaps longer, as many records were misplaced.

+++ Love and Obey the Emperor +++

The faithful will recognize the target on sight, as his garb and gear mark him immediately as an agent of the abominations.

Santa Claus is a corpulent, bloated creature approximating the human form. It wears a crimson tunic the color of fresh blood, marking him as a possible follower of Khorne. It is bearded, mocking the honorable squats, and its hair is a sallow shade of gray, betraying its unnatural age. Be advised that despite the creatures fearsome name, no claws have been observed, and the former is likely a ruse.

The target has been observed in the company of smaller creatures having the appearance of thin (less than 30 kg, approx.), stunted (1.5 meters) humanoids with pointed ears. Their appearance suggests the involvement of the decadent Eldar, and although that race denies involvement (*reference the Rudolphian Campaign [index 111-BGE-MMXCII- Primus], specifically the Battle of Yukon Coneliaus IV [ibid., index 6]*), agents are advised to be prepared for their involvement, as the Eldar are known for their deceitful ways.

Santa Claus is conveyed by means of a grav-sled powered by unnatural livestock as detailed below.

The target's vehicle is a grav-sled. It has superfluous runners which are used only on landing and take-off. Despite the appearance, no frozen water is necessary for its operation (another ruse). The vehicle's resemblance to the foul Palanquin of Nurgle should not be discounted, even though the colors continue to be reminiscent of Khorne.

The device is powered by the unholy ministrations of eight or nine quadrupeds. Ordo Malleus scholars have identified these creatures as warped versions of an extinct species of terran mammal known as a Moose (reference 900002-ER-CIV). These beings single-mindedly pull the target's vehicle during its yearly invasion. They are outfitted with belled harnesses which are apparently imbued with the ability of flight. These beasts have been likened to the Fiends of Slaanesh, and such a comparison should not be dismissed too lightly, as the creatures shed a luminous substance as effluent as they move. Inquisitors should take care to avoid exposure.

Perhaps more disturbing is the variable number of the minion- creatures. On occasion, a ninth Moose has been observed, placed before the other Mooses. This creature radiates a sickly reddish glow from its snout, as a psychic beacon to other followers of the Vile Ones. This Chaotic device has allowed the target to navigate despite our best efforts to jam its navigation systems.

+++ Blessed is the Virtue of Blind Faith +++

Santa Claus gains entry to the domiciles of loyal Imperial Citizens (see below) and leaves small Chaos Rewards to tempt the faithful.

Inquisitors are reminded to confiscate and incinerate these items before any lasting damage is done. As a localized temporal distortion field is in effect around the target, these items are secreted in the habitations of the Imperium at exactly 2400 hours in every location defiled by the creature. It is therefore possible to gain entry to the citizens' cretches and remove the items (often cunningly hidden in footwear) before the citizens are aware of the heresy that has been committed upon them.

In other cases, removal of the items after the citizens have discovered them is possible. In such situations, small children are occasionally loath to surrender the items, as the tainting of the juveniles has already begun. Executions of the above are to be handled in the most expedient manner possible.

Often, juveniles that are well within the Emperor's Grace are given small blocks of graphite ore rather than the more tempting gifts visited upon the less faithful. The identity of these individuals are to be recorded, as future recruitment into the Inquisition or Adeptus Terra is possible. [Note: Inquisitors or other agents who do *not* receive the graphite stones should be watched carefully]

Santa Claus enters the domiciles be way of heating ducts and waste vents. The size of the opening is not a factor, as the creature can adjust its mass and displacement by means of psychic manipulation. Mining these openings with frag, krak and other demolitions has proven unsuccessful.

The creature egresses by the same means, after ritually caressing his nostrils. No mucus has ever been recovered.

+++ The Death of Emperor's Enemies is the Only Gift We Can Give +++

Although all previous attempts at the destruction of Santa Claus have failed, Inquisitors are urged to make such an attempt whenever possible. However, of more importance is the suppression of cultist activity associated with the yearly incursion. The Tainted have been known to erect shrines in their homes in the form of shrubbery adorned with baubles and lights [Note: the shrubbery is often highly inflammable, and offers a discrete method of executing the offending heretics without calling undue attention to the operation]. Other warning signs include: hallucinations involving sugared candies during slumber; excessive singing; references to 'A magical time of year' (note the influence of Tzeentch); the construction of effigies made of snow; and the performance of Slaanishi rituals while underneath plant clippings of the genus phoradendron flavescens.

Once again, executions should be handled in an expedient manner.

End Transmission

[Titan Zero]

The snow flakes!

[Hyper Kinetic]

Pure Class

I'd also like to add that this being also performs the gluttony rituals of stealing food and drink rations left unattended. Have the Inquisition attempted poisoning food and drink reserves around 8742 to 8766 terran hours post the previous attack?

[kronoflex]

It should also be noted that Santa Claus also goes under other psuedymons, one of which labels him as a parent figure, undoubtably in order to further tempt juviniles into his influences. The second part of this title, however may be the most worrisome, as it in part references an ancient and mytholigical entity worshipped before the arrival of the blessed emperor, and is still continued by small groups of heretics and traitors. In consideration these groups may have been from the start, linked with the foul beings of chaos, and I urge the Inquistion to not let one of these tainted heathens to continue their blasphemous rituals especially at this time of year.

[eetdestroyer]

very nice indeed

[crusader]

that, my friend, is a pure work of art

Also I seem to recall my other friend (Inquisitor Lord Steve of the Ordo Malleus) telling me that the foul chaos creature was destroyed by the Adeptus Astartes chapter known as the EPS or, the Emperor's Pointy Sticks. I believe that is was banished by them on the night of december 24 on the year 006 M. 03 in the year of the god-Emperor. It is extremely disturbing that this foul abomination of the Ruinous Powers can return each and every year. See attached file for more detail. Note that Sgt. Yellow Pine of the EPS is under guard pending an investigation of his belief in this so-called "Santa".

Click here to view file.
tsoalr.com/view.php?date=2006-12-25

This document has been ratified by Inquisitor Lord Omally of the Ordo Malleus
Inquisitor Lord Omally "The Alley Cat"

[rfly]

Very true. Does this mean my yearly delivery of graphite stones marks me as faithful?

[warbossrannon13]

Presents for the present god!

now I feel like putting a santa hat on my Tyrant

"Oh No! Sanat Claus chaotic ways have corrupted a hive tyrant! if it can beat the power of the hive mind, no way we can!"

[krythron]

I had to share that “report” with my friend, and he decided it would be fun to actually field Santa. So we came up with the following rules:

Santa Claus (0-1)
Elites
675 points
WS BS S T W I A Ld Sv
Santa 3 3 3 3 3 3 0 9 3+
Reindeer 1 0 4 4 1 2 0 6 2+
Wargear- Grav sled—Santa appears on a grav sled of unknown origin. As long as any of his reindeer are still alive, he is treated as a skimmer for close combat purposes (and thus requires a roll of 6 to hit regardless of WS)
Special rules—
Invulnerable—Santa is an ancient and powerful being. His saves are considered invulnerable, and in addition, they may be taken against attacks that do not normally allow an invulnerable save to be made. Also, he is not subject to any effect that would cause instant death of any type. (eg-wrathcannons, force weapons, high strength weapons, etc)
Jump beasts—Santa may move 12” in the movement phase, and may make a 12” assault. In addition, he is counted as fleet, so he may move an additional d6 in the shooting phase. (How else does he make it all around the world in one night?)
Hit and Run
Fearless
Deep strike—Santa may always choose to deepstrike, even if the scenario doesn’t normally allow it. Santa is not destroyed if he lands within 1’ of a model—instead they will be affected by “Peace on Earth” at the end of the turn. Santa may move and assault on the turn he arrives.
Large target/Multiple targets-- Santa is considered Size 3 for LOS purposes. Santa and his reindeer form one base, but take multiple hits from certain weapons. Template weapons and blast templates inflict 1d3 hits, while large blast templates inflict 1d6 hits.
Ignore terrain/cover—Santa ignores the effects of all terrain and cover. He never needs to make a difficult terrain test, and opponents in cover do not get to strike first when he assaults them. His ability at this is so great he may assault units inside bunkers/buildings and inside transports. (See Peace on Earth, below)
Terrifying—So great is the effect of his presence that Santa may Tank Shock enemy (and friendly) units. Any model that attempts Death or Glory is not killed if they fail to stop Santa—they are immediately affected by Peace on Earth (see below). If the unit is forced to take a casualty as a result, the model(s) attempting the Death or Glory are removed as the casualty (they were the ones left holding the presents).
Dead of night—Santa operates only at night. Any battle where Santa is present automatically is fought using Nightfight rules
Winter’s Chill—Santa often operates during harsh weather conditions. Roll 1d6 at the start of the battle. 1=no affect; 2=Blinding snowstorm (halve all sighting distance rolls, double all scatter rolls for ordinance and deep striking); 3= Deep snow (entire board counts as difficult terrain, and grants a 6+ cover save); 4=Slick ice (any model that moves over 6” must immediately make a dangerous terrain test to avoid crashing--suffering a wound [for troops] or being immobilized [for vehicles]. If a vehicle is immobilized, roll a scatter dice to determine the direction it faces after the crash); 5=Bitter cold (roll 1d6 for each unit in both players armies. On a roll of 4+, that unit suffers 1d3 wounds (armor saves apply) If the unit is a vehicle, it suffers 1 glancing hit (as weapons jam, engines refuse to start, tracks freeze, etc); 6=roll twice more, ignoring duplicates (this result may be rolled multiple times)
Limited Deployment—Santa only leaves his polar home once a year. You may only use Santa in your army between the dates of Dec 14 and Dec 25 (12 days of Christmas). If you wise to use him at any other time, you must call Games Workshop and get permission from the Roolzboyz.
Peace on Earth—During the assault phase, instead of making normal combat attacks, Santa distributes gifts. This ability affects all units he is in base to base contact with, as well as any unit he tank shocked during that turn. No unit may be affected by this ability more than once a game. For each unit affected, compare Leadership scores (roll 1d6 plus Santa’s leadership verses 1d6 plus the unit’s leadership) If Santa’s total equals or exceeds the units, they were on the “Nice” list, and receive presents. Make an unmodified leadership test—if the unit passes it, one model is removed as a casualty (no saves allowed)—his leaders/comrades execute him immediately to avoid the spread of taint. If the unit fails its test, the entire unit is removed from the board, as they leave in appreciation of the gift, wander off to play with their new toys, pass out from too much eggnog, or simply become overcome by “Goodwill towards all men”. The unit is worth no victory points to either player.
If Santa’s total is less than the units, they were on the “Naughty” list, and receive a lump of coal. This is a great morale boost for loyal followers of the Emperor, and that unit gains one of the following abilities for the remainder of the game (roll 1d6). 1= Fearless; 2=Acute senses, 3=Feel no pain; 4=Preferred enemy; 5=Furious charge; 6= And they shall know no fear.
Santa can also charge or tank shock friendly units, and target them with this ability. Although they automatically receive gifts, they are treated as automatically passing the Leadership challenge, and thus will receive one of the above abilities.
Santa is quite able to get inside any building, regardless of its defenses. He may use this ability on units inside bunkers/buildings, as well as inside vehicles. He may not target vehicles separately (there’s simply no room inside to give the crew gifts), but if the vehicle is transporting a unit that is removed from play, the vehicle leaves play as well, as it is assumed Santa gives their gifts to their friends in back.
Once all units in both armies have been affected by this ability, Santa leaves play (giving no victory points to either player).
Milk and Cookies—Santa’s followers often offer him treats to sustain him on his flights. If Santa uses “Peace on Earth” on a friendly unit, he may choose to roll 1d6. If a 6 is rolled, he recovers 1 wound (if any have been lost). This ability cannot bring back slain reindeer, nor can it increase his wound total to more than 3.
Santa’s reindeer—These reindeer serve their master with single minded devotion. If Santa takes a wound, he may transfer it to one of his reindeer (this may be done before or after his armor save). In order to use this ability, the player must name which reindeer is receiving the wound (yes—this means you need to know their names. Dasher, Dancer, learn the rest…)

For an additional 25 points, Santa can be accompanied by Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer. Rudolph’s stats are identical to a normal reindeer’s, with the following additions.
Nose so bright—Rudolph guides Santa’s sleigh. Santa may re-roll his own reserves roll and the scatter dice when he deepstrikes. Also, any unit that Santa tank shocks while accompanied by Rudolph makes suffers a -1 to their Leadership test. (This does not apply to “Peace on Earth” rolls). However, Rudolph’s nose can also be seen by the enemy—double the result of the spotting check for any unit attempting to see Santa.
No reindeer games—Rudolph is hated and reviled by the other reindeer. He is treated as a separate unit that must maintain base to base contact with Santa, and thus can be targeted separately.

[barbedsparky]

That's plain cool. Though, poor Rudolph, no games and a quick death for him.