Warhammer comedy!

[benseek24]

Laugh out loud to all of these jokes

[thegreatdevourer]

yo' mamma so fat and stupid, she thought Heavy Support meant she'd get more benefits

[Lanesend]

How many guardsman does it take to paint a Lehman Russ?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

[daboss]

So a Space Marine Commander, a Canoness, and a Lord Commissar are sitting in a bar, and they are discussing who's troops are the bravest. "Mine are the bravest" The commander said, and to prove it he order one of his Marines to jump off a 30 foot building. Five minutes later, the marine returns, his armor crushed in, missing a shoulder plate, and his arm broken. "Mine are the bravest" The Canoness said, and then orders a Sister to jump off a 50 foot building. 10 minute later, she returns a bloody mess, barely breathing, and being dragged in by another Sister. The commissar then turns to a guardsman and says "You, jump off a 100 foot building". The guardsman looks at the commissar with terror, and yells "&#@% NO, sir!" The Commissar looks to the Commander and Canoness and says "That's real bravery"

[Overread]

May 19, 2013 13:09:34 GMT daboss said:

So a Space Marine Commander, a Canoness, and a Lord Commissar are sitting in a bar, and they are discussing who's troops are the bravest. "Mine are the bravest" The commander said, and to prove it he order one of his Marines to jump off a 30 foot building. Five minutes later, the marine returns, his armor crushed in, missing a shoulder plate, and his arm broken. "Mine are the bravest" The Canoness said, and then orders a Sister to jump off a 50 foot building. 10 minute later, she returns a bloody mess, barely breathing, and being dragged in by another Sister. The commissar then turns to a guardsman and says "You, jump off a 100 foot building". The guardsman looks at the commissar with terror, and yells "&#@% NO, sir!" The Commissar looks to the Commander and Canoness and says "That's real bravery"

Then shoots the guardsman for disobeying a direct order

[gigasnail]

from some random comment at BoLS:

"Well, it was the Lictor that got poor Jenkins, but for Johnson, it was a broken heart."

[gman25639]

Thou shalt not remix the Astronomican
Thou shalt not put quarters in the Tau's foreheads, they are not coin slots for vending machines.

[Shadowwolf]

It came in with a WREEEECKING BAAALL!

[jinx]

Jan 17, 2014 12:15:48 GMT Shadowwolf said:

It came in with a WREEEECKING BAAALL!

We've never hit so hard,damn walls!

[yoritomo]

GW had a great joke a couple days ago. It's called the tyranid codex.

[barbedsparky]

If by "great" you mean uninspired, falls flat and badly delivered then please get them to stop as I only have so many ribs....

[Raven]

[LordPathos]

Since it was mentioned, I thought I'd add my version of it (including the picture from the thread I started).

They clawed, they crawled their way in vain
they fled always screaming "why?"
They cried, you fell under my shell
A fear, no one could describe.

Don't you ever say you can get away
I will always hunt you
You can't believe the lie, that you will survive
I will always hunt you

I came in with a wrecking ball!

[jinx]

[subjectbosco]

Mar 24, 2011 1:12:05 GMT Geneva said:

The Emperor Returns

Lord of Terra #4: And so with that the expedition into the Halo Stars may well be a possibilty!

*applause*

Lord of Terra #1: Thank you generic Lord of Terra number four for that most enlightening proposal. We will probably act on it in about.... How long did the Adeptus Mechanicus predict of your lifespan again?

Lord of Terra #4: Uh... 57 years?

Lord of Terra #1: In 58 years then! Here's to another costly expansion that may or may not happen.

LoT#4: What do you mean by-

LoT#1: On to the next order of business! The Emperor is still in a coma. Moving on-

LoT#3: Uh... Actually he woke up this morning.

LoT#1: He what?!

LoT#5: Yeah, I heard about that too. 5 o'clock this morning. Apparently he's all better.

LoT#1: Well, why weren't the rest of us informed?!

LoT#3: *shrugs* Administratum as usual. What do you expect?

*grumbles of agreement*

LoT#1: Okay! Order! How did he just "get better"? Where is he now?

LoT#5: Well, we actually got a doctor in rather than just letting him rot for all eternity. Turns out it was a pretty simple procedure. Basic bionics and he's good as new. Last I heard he was reviewing the Space Marine Legions. You should have seen his face when we told him about the Chapter idea!

LoT#1: Wait a minute? HE'S WHAT?

LoT#5: Reviewing the Marines. He wasn't that irate about the Chapter system really. He actually seemed to approve-

LoT#1: Forget the Chapter system! What if he finds out about-

Emperor: WHAT THE *&$% HAPPENED WHILE I WAS OUT?!

LoT#1: Oh... My-my lord Emperor. Forgive us, your grace. We were in the middle of a-

Emperor: WHEN THE $*%& DID I BECOME A GOD?!

LoT#1: Ah... Well... You see....

Emperor: No. Forget that. THAT'S THE LEAST OF MY WORRIES.

LoT#1: Here it comes....

Emperor: WHEN THE $%^% DID SANGUINIUS' CHAPTER START DOING THE HORIZONTAL BOOGIE WITH SOULESS AUTOMATONS?!

LoT#1: My Lord Emperor, they didn't- I mean. It was just a sign of respect and- Oh dear....

Emperor: That's not all. Oh no! That's far from all. Since when did Guilliman become the FREAKING DON OF MY CHOSEN SONS?!

LoT#1: Well, he did write the codex Astartes....

Emperor: You mean the doctrine followed by Chapters nobody's even heard of? Brilliant. That little brat wasn't even at the palace during the most crucial battle in human history. Where is he anyway?

LoT#1: In a coma, my Emperor.

Emperor: *Facepalm* Typical. I had to do battle with the chosen champion of Chaos and my own strongest son. What's his excuse?

LoT#1: Well, Fulgrim....

Emperor: Oh god stop! I don't even want to hear where this is going. Okay.... Calm down.... I've been out for a long time. Things have changed. That's inevitable. Where's Russ? I can't believe he let so much get out of hand.

LoT#1: Well, he's gone. Supposedly to find a cure for you.

Emperor: You mean while the rest of you were twidling your thumbs.

LoT#1: Uh... Yes.

Emperor: Right. I'm going to straighten things out. The Grey Knights have supplied a retinue to escort me on the rest of my review of the Imperium. I better not see any more let downs, you hear.

LoT#1: Yes, my Emperor. ....Is he gone? $&%*! What are we going to do. That was only the tip of the iceburg! What about all the other stuff we've done? Call up every Governor! Delete everything!

LoT#3: At least he's with the Grey Knights. The most uncorruptable and loyal Chapter in the galaxy.

LoT#1: Yeah, I suppose your right. I mean what could go-

Emperor: WHO THE HELL LET FREAKING MONKEYS RUN LOOSE IN HERE!!!!

LoT#1: Cyanide ready, everyone? Yes? Well. Goodnight gentlemen.

This reminded me of the hilarious Youtube series If The Emperor Had a Text to Speak Device. It started off as making fun of the silly fluff for a couple of minutes, but then it evolved into an epic HBO/AMC style show. If you haven't seen it yet, I'll link the first episode and you can watch the rest of season 1 from there.

youtu.be/Z_2nM1GEllg



Edit: Just a warning: The video series contains strong language, and some PG-13 content. Viewer discretion is advice.