Warhammer 40k Jokes

[harbinger]

The Warhammer 40k universe is set in an amazingly dark and depresing period of time with the galexy at war and enemies around every corner. So what better to do than make fun of it. ;D

Step right up and post a joke. It doesnt have to be origonal but if you do copy and paste from anouther site please give them at least some credit.

This one made me fall to the floor lauphing like crazy.

An Imperial garrison containing both Space Marines and a Guard regiment had been under siege by Orks for days, and as a fighter bomma raid had destroyed the Imperial Guard mess hall, the remaining Guardsmen was allowed to dine in the Space Marine mess hall. In the food queue, a curious Guardsman (GM) attempts to start up a conversation with a Space Marine (SM).
GM: "So...you are one of those Space Marines, right?"
SM: "Correct."
GM: "Cool! You know, I've been thinking about joining a marine chapter myself and...”
SM: "You don't have what it takes."
GM: "Hey, that's just rude! You have no idea what I am capable of, I've actually killed no less that 13 xenos in my career, an...”
SM: "I've killed 14..."
GM: "That is not that impressive, I..."
SM: "...before breakfast."
GM: "...well... that's impressive. How did you join the marines?"
SM: "At the age of 12, I was drafted into the Imperial Guard to fight an army of chaos cultists. My squad was cut off from the rest of the regiment, and as we were out of ammo we were ordered to charge the enemy with only bayonets. I managed to kill 2 cultists, in spite of being shot several times while charging. Three days later, I was sent to the Ultramarine training facility on Ultramar along with 20 other recruits. I was the only one who managed to become a marine."
GM: "Wow, you are badass! What happened to the other 19? Did they wash out? Or did they get looser jobs like janitors or something?"
SM: "They died."
GM: "Ok...you have to be the most badass person I ever met! What are you? A sergeant? An officer?"
SM: "I'm the janitor."

(got this from www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=71160 )

[harbinger]

An Imperial Guardsman, a Space Marine, and an Inquisitor walk into a bar.

The Guardsman says "ow."

The Marine breaks right through the bar with his power armor.

The Inquisitor accuses the bar of heresy. When the bar refuses to confess or even move despite sustained torture, the Inquisitor executes the Guardsman for failing to defeat the bar in combat.

_________________________________________________________________________________________
~Prelude to an exterminatus being preformed on the bar~

[CylonDorado]

lol ;D.

.............This is hard.

[Enigma]

Here's one: What's funny? A lasgun.

What do you call a lasgun with a laser sight? Twin linked.

[sparrox]

chaos space marine an ork and a guards man round a camp fire
csm says "i could kill u both with my bolter, but i cant be asked"
ork says " i could kill u both with me choppa but too lazy now"
guard man screams in rage "i been shooting u with my lasgun for ages, why wont you die?"

[Lobsta]

How many guardsmen does it take to paint a barn?
Depends how hard you throw them!

[ErA | zoe)ender]

Got a bunch:







Aux where is your huge list of stuff?

[Aux]

here:

z4.invisionfree.com/Land_of_the_Chosen/index.php?showtopic=805


I win

[gael]

Epic, but I saw this somewhere else....

[CylonDorado]

Oct 13, 2008 1:32:59 GMT Aux said:

here:

z4.invisionfree.com/Land_of_the_Chosen/index.php?showtopic=805


I win

Ok, I've heard enough about how gay eldar are. At least they have women. Space marines: All men all the time....

[WestRider]

Here's one from Mel Ebbles, back on the old AOL 40K boards, when I was just a kid who didn't know any better:

An Ultramarine, a Space Wolf, a Blood Angel, and a Dark Angel are sitting at a table in a sidewalk cafe. A drop-dead gorgeous woman walks by. Brother Gnaeus, the Ultramarine, politely covers a yawn with the back of an armored hand. Brother Wulfnor, the Space Wolf, lets out a bellowing roar of approval and raises his foam-dripping ale stein skyward. Brother Nosferatu, the Blood Angel, licks his lips and stares greedily at the woman's pulsing jugular.
Brother Obadiah, the Dark Angel, stares resolutely at his frosty mug of ice water and murmurs a litany under his breath.

Wulfnor: Ho, wench! Come back and let me show you what a REAL man can do!
Obadiah: Still thine filth-befouled lips, I implore thee, Wulfnor. Such thoughts are most unseeming of the Emperor's Finest!
Nosferatu: Her throat looks quite appetizing...::licks his lips again::
Gnaeus: How crude! How can you comport yourselves as little more than lust-ravaged beasts? A true Space Marine is the pinnacle of courage, zeal, and chivalry!
Wulfnor: Eh, stuff it, Gnaeus.
Nosferatu: Oh, Gnaeus......such a cloying, hidebound existence you lead! Can you not appreciate the beauty of life?
Obadiah: I shall ignore thine heretical ravings, O thou less than worthy brethren!

Gnaeus blushes fiercely at the rebuke, and stares silently into his goblet of fine wine. Obadiah sourly sips his ice water. Wulfnor busily pantomimes to a ferally grinning Nosferatu a favored Fenrisian sexual position. Presently, a young man jogs by in a skintight outfit. Patches of sweat stain his clothes. Wulfnor pays no heed, still gleefully demonstrating his prowess in l'amour to a fiercely blushing Gnaeus, a grinning Nosferatu, and a fuming
Obadiah. Gnaeus glances at the young man, and a dreamy look overcomes his rugged features. Wulfnor catches it, and bellows in laughter. Nosferatu raises an eyebrow. Obadiah sighs angrily and focuses entirely on his mug of ice water.

Gnaeus: Such tightness of muscle! Such amazing symmetry of feature! Why, this gentleman is a paragon nonpareil of beauty! O, how my loins swell so with fervent desire!
Wulfnor: ::bellowing with laughter::
Nosferatu: What a fascinating preference, Gnaeus. To think I thought myself cursed.....
Obadiah: ::pales:: Heresy! How can thee entertain such thoughts of unparalleled lewdness? Chaos hath stained thine soul, Gnaeus!
Gnaeus: Did I say 'gentleman'? I meant, naturally, to refer to that delicate young woman who passed ever so briefly.....Um. Ahem....yes, that was it. Strictly a slip of the tongue, brothers....

Nosferatu grins knowingly and makes a dismissive gesture to Gnaeus. Wulfnor chokes up with laughter, pointing an accusing finger at Gnaeus. Obadiah stares in shock at Gnaeus, trembling with righteous fury.

Gnaeus: No, really....seriously....you don't believe me, do you? I swear upon my bolter! Why, once I saw Brothers Acius and Gario nude in the Facilitus Cleansus, and not once did I feel the stirring of desire!
Wulfnor: ::roaring in laughter::
Nosferatu: Really, I don't see why you bother, Gnaeus.....after all, the Emperor banished the old "Don't ask, don't tell" policy millennia ago. Give it up.
Obadiah: I still consider thee an heretic, O decadent Ultramarine!
Gnaeus: He did? He dropped the policy? Damn it all, we could have come out of the closet a long time ago!

Gnaeus suddenly gets up and begins running after the tiny figure of the male passersby. Nosferatu shrugs and idly picks at a fang with a perfectly manicured fingernail. Wulfnor's bellowing laughter fades out into sustained giggling. Obadiah fervently murmurs prayers under his breath, his mug quivering in his clenched fist.

And in the distance, the faint voice of Gnaeus drifted on the wind.
"Wait, O delicious fruit of mine eye! Let us be liberated together! Why do you run so? Come back here, you pulchritudinous young thing!"

[Julio]

Wow sorry westrider but a joke that long simply isn't a joke any more. I didn't even read it. Oh wells. I'm sure it would have been funny if I wasn't lazy.

What's funnier than a guardsman in a clown suit? A guardsman in a guardsman suit! (Get it? I said that a clown guardsman is funny, but a regular one is funnier, implying that guardsmen are the comic relief, you see? Very Funny!!! HAhahahaihahahai)

What do you get when you cross a pile of (please do not swear) and a pile of dead guardsmen? a Bigger, Funnier pile of (please do not swear)!! El oh EL! so funny!


Yah don't kill me for those I didn't sped much time thinking them up.

Whats the difference between a Guardsman and an Eldar Warrior? Not much! haha! *hits symbol*

[gael]

@pand - The really long one that you didn't read was much funnier with several comedic references, all funny. Sorry.

[harbinger]

www.madbbs.com/users/strieder/40kjokes.htm

Uses for a Lasgun (or flash light. whichever you prefer)

Warming soup.
When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.
Disco effects/pyrotechnics.
Cigarette lighter.
Changing T.V. channels.
Selling to get funds for a better weapon.
Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)
Using for grave marking for IG troops.
Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)
Paperweight.
Skeet shooting.
A cooking utensil.
Looking slightly menacing.
Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.
Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly
Burning ants

[WestRider]

Oct 14, 2008 3:29:43 GMT Julio said:

Wow sorry westrider but a joke that long simply isn't a joke any more. I didn't even read it. Oh wells. I'm sure it would have been funny if I wasn't lazy.

That makes me want to repost the Black and White Space Marine Joke ;D