40k Jokes

[hivemindofpower]

Come on people lets make some laughter. ;D

Q:how many guard dose it take to paint a barn?

A: Depends how hard you throw them! ;D

[WestRider]

What do you call a Lasgun with a laser sight?

Twin-Linked

And a longer one from Mel Ebbles, back on the old AOL 40K boards, back when I was just a little kid who didn't know better:

An Ultramarine, a Space Wolf, a Blood Angel, and a Dark Angel are sitting at a table in a sidewalk cafe. A drop-dead gorgeous woman walks by. Brother Gnaeus, the Ultramarine, politely covers a yawn with the back of an armored hand. Brother Wulfnor, the Space Wolf, lets out a bellowing roar of approval and raises his foam-dripping ale stein skyward. Brother Nosferatu, the Blood Angel, licks his lips and stares greedily at the woman's pulsing jugular.
Brother Obadiah, the Dark Angel, stares resolutely at his frosty mug of ice water and murmurs a litany under his breath.

Wulfnor: Ho, wench! Come back and let me show you what a REAL man can do!
Obadiah: Still thine filth-befouled lips, I implore thee, Wulfnor. Such thoughts are most unseeming of the Emperor's Finest!
Nosferatu: Her throat looks quite appetizing...::licks his lips again::
Gnaeus: How crude! How can you comport yourselves as little more than lust-ravaged beasts? A true Space Marine is the pinnacle of courage, zeal, and chivalry!
Wulfnor: Eh, stuff it, Gnaeus.
Nosferatu: Oh, Gnaeus......such a cloying, hidebound existence you lead! Can you not appreciate the beauty of life?
Obadiah: I shall ignore thine heretical ravings, O thou less than worthy brethren!

Gnaeus blushes fiercely at the rebuke, and stares silently into his goblet of fine wine. Obadiah sourly sips his ice water. Wulfnor busily pantomimes to a ferally grinning Nosferatu a favored Fenrisian sexual position. Presently, a young man jogs by in a skintight outfit. Patches of sweat stain his clothes. Wulfnor pays no heed, still gleefully demonstrating his prowess in l'amour to a fiercely blushing Gnaeus, a grinning Nosferatu, and a fuming
Obadiah. Gnaeus glances at the young man, and a dreamy look overcomes his rugged features. Wulfnor catches it, and bellows in laughter. Nosferatu raises an eyebrow. Obadiah sighs angrily and focuses entirely on his mug of ice water.

Gnaeus: Such tightness of muscle! Such amazing symmetry of feature! Why, this gentleman is a paragon nonpareil of beauty! O, how my loins swell so with fervent desire!
Wulfnor: ::bellowing with laughter::
Nosferatu: What a fascinating preference, Gnaeus. To think I thought myself cursed.....
Obadiah: ::pales:: Heresy! How can thee entertain such thoughts of unparalleled lewdness? Chaos hath stained thine soul, Gnaeus!
Gnaeus: Did I say 'gentleman'? I meant, naturally, to refer to that delicate young woman who passed ever so briefly.....Um. Ahem....yes, that was it. Strictly a slip of the tongue, brothers....

Nosferatu grins knowingly and makes a dismissive gesture to Gnaeus. Wulfnor chokes up with laughter, pointing an accusing finger at Gnaeus. Obadiah stares in shock at Gnaeus, trembling with righteous fury.

Gnaeus: No, really....seriously....you don't believe me, do you? I swear upon my bolter! Why, once I saw Brothers Acius and Gario nude in the Facilitus Cleansus, and not once did I feel the stirring of desire!
Wulfnor: ::roaring in laughter::
Nosferatu: Really, I don't see why you bother, Gnaeus.....after all, the Emperor banished the old "Don't ask, don't tell" policy millennia ago. Give it up.
Obadiah: I still consider thee an heretic, O decadent Ultramarine!
Gnaeus: He did? He dropped the policy? Damn it all, we could have come out of the closet a long time ago!

Gnaeus suddenly gets up and begins running after the tiny figure of the male passersby. Nosferatu shrugs and idly picks at a fang with a perfectly manicured fingernail. Wulfnor's bellowing laughter fades out into sustained giggling. Obadiah fervently murmurs prayers under his breath, his mug quivering in his clenched fist.

And in the distance, the faint voice of Gnaeus drifted on the wind.
"Wait, O delicious fruit of mine eye! Let us be liberated together! Why do you run so? Come back here, you pulchritudinous young thing!"

[hivemindofpower]

That so funny. By the thanks for taking the time to right this westrider.

[Hyper Kinetic]

There was a good one that i saw as someone's Signature line on Librarium Online...

How many Slaaneshi Cultists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, obviously. Though how they got in there to begin with is anyone's guess...

There was a section up here a while ago dedicated to 40K jokes but it appears to have been deleted. Pity... some screamers in there.

[flyingspoon]

didn't we already have two maybe three of these threads?

And how many deamonetes does it take to change a lightbulb?
two but don't ask me how they got in there

[Haraio [MALAL]]

How many Ogryns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one, but a truckload of bulbs...

[Enigma]

"If the rhino's a rockin', don't come a knockin'"
-Space Marine proverb.

[Haraio [MALAL]]

Then there was an Inquisitor walking into a bar..
+++MESSAGE DELETED BY THE AUTHORITY OF THE HOLY INQUISITION+++

[DAKKA!]

Not mine, but I thought they could get a chuckle.

A Blood Angel Commander, an Ultramarine Commander and a Cadian Commissar are having fun bragging about how brave and loyal their troops are and they decide to have a test to see who has the bravest troops. The Blood angel commander calls one of his troops and says "You! Jump into that engine!" and blood angel immediately says "Yes Sir!" and jumps into the engine and dies, creating a bloody mess. The blood angel commander says "hah! that took bravery!" The ultramarine commander says "hah! that was nothing, watch this!" and calls one of his troops and orders him to jump off the ship they are on. The ultramarine instantly says "Yes Sir!" and jumps off the ship, never to be seen again. the ultramarine commander says "hah! that took bravery" and the commissar says "hah! that was nothing, watch this!" The commissar calls on of the guardsmen in the platoon he is attached to, hands him a plasma pistol and orders him to shoot himself in the head... the guardsman shakes a little, trembles, hesitates then says "no sir, I can't do it..." the commissar says "now THAT is what I call bravery!"

How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a light bulb? (take your head out of the gutter)
Three. One to screw in the light bulb, one to outlaw light bulbs and one to erase all records of light bulbs having existed.

[Helonion]

It it's self is a joke.

[Haraio [MALAL]]

LMAO! Awesome!^^

[DAKKA!]

What is the terrible noise that accompanies the arrival of the Tyranids, driving even the most battle hardened marine insane?



Their carni-fax machine.

[3ff3ct]

Wow dakka, i didnt know dads did 40k jokes too! that one was a real stinker......

[DAKKA!]

What type of Tyranid is Paris Hilton?




A hormagaunt.

[Helonion]

Jun 24, 2008 21:59:42 GMT DAKKA! said:

What type of Tyranid is Paris Hilton?




A hormagaunt.

I got a feeling this will go like the movie Species.