|  Author | Topic: Warhammer comedy! (Read 27,786 times) |
hive fleet pandora
Hive Tyrant
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The galaxy is not prepared
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|  | Re: Warhammer comedy!
« Reply #30 on Mar 13, 2011, 1:14pm » | |
lol i didnt even bother reading it, i wish i was as funny as you guys but i suck at humor, this is the best ive got:
your mama so fat when she walks onto the battlefield they call "DEEP STRIKING TITAN"
fail joke i know
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The Tomato
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| | Re: Warhammer comedy!
« Reply #31 on Mar 13, 2011, 2:06pm » | |
read it several times to get the joke? nah, to lazy.
Yo mama so fat that when she boards a landraider it counts as immobilized.
Yo mama so disgusting she has the Aura of decay daemonic gift by default.
Yo mama so dumb she strikes after powerfists in close combat.
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Genevaman
Hive Tyrant
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| | Re: Warhammer comedy!
« Reply #32 on Mar 13, 2011, 2:06pm » | |
A Blood Angel and a Necron walk into a bar. They are lovers and everyone is okay with that.
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A link a day keeps some boredom away!
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The Tomato
Hive Tyrant
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Location: Göteborg
| | Re: Warhammer comedy!
« Reply #33 on Mar 13, 2011, 2:31pm » | |
Mar 13, 2011, 2:06pm, Genevaman wrote:| A Blood Angel and a Necron walk into a bar. They are lovers and everyone is okay with that. |
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WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!
![[image]](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JliIYuptDw8/R_90BvC2U6I/AAAAAAAAAjo/N2YR2Ab11Ow/s400/NEG%2BNOOoooo.jpg "[image]")
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Hyper Kinetic
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| | Re: Warhammer comedy!
« Reply #34 on Mar 13, 2011, 9:26pm » | |
Hack'n'Slap from Alta's (now locked) thread.
320 Ways to Annoy your Opponent:
Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.
Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Every time a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.
Bring a falsified rulebook.
Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.
Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.
Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- "he's gone there, so contingency plan 8a means that I should..."
Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.
Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.
Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent's army.
Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.
Bring a plastic kid's sword and 'challenge' your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.
Play dead if your general dies.
Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of laser cannon in WHFB.
Complain that you don't think you can trust your hero.
Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.
Ask politely if your opponent wouldn't kill your general. Explain that its his birthday.
Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the "fog of war".
Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.
Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a "battle report."
Sharpen your goblins' spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.
Cackle diabolically. "The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!"
State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.
Feel the personal loss of every soldier. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well."
Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.
Add sound FX. Kaboom!
Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.
Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!
Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your treemen. Refuse to let him move through woods.
Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy Van.
Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.
Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. "Quick march, on the double- hut!"
Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.
Wear a crown. Say that you are the "Lord of the Galaxy". Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.
Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.
Grow a Hitler moustache and wear a swastika. 'Discipline' your troops if they fail to salute you.
Cheer on your miniatures.
Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.
Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.
Pull out an ace surreptitiously ( but obviously ) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.
Keep a deck of Magic the Gathering cards handy. When you are told it is "the magic phase" bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.
Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!
Tell him you've brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.
Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don't immediately come true. Ask him if he's used it.
Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.
Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.
Don't place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, "poof!". When the smoke dissipates, say, "Tadaa!"
Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.
Pour cheese sauce all over your opponent's army. Complain that it is cheesy.
Come with an army painted completely flora purple. Wear dark glasses.
Attempt to bribe your opponent's characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.
Refer to your miniatures only by their first name.
Deny everything
Try to bribe his units over to your side.
Three words: Pastel Color Scheme.
Rent advertising space on your unit banners.
Offer your opponent the chance to surrender before the battle starts.
Dress in character.
Perform a play by play commentary in a Howard Cossell voice.
Speak only in third person.
Use huge brass dice. Roll them dangerously close to your opponent's figures.
Use only the little red dice from Warhammer Quest.
Only roll one die at a time.
Play Britney Spears. Insist that is it "battle music." Put it on repeat.
Name all your characters after obscure Hungarian royalty. Become annoyed if your opponent fails to notice.
Claim your army is comprised of all women. When pressed, explain they are all in disguise as to not get kicked out of the army.
Place a hammer on the table before the battle starts. Explain it is there to insure loyalty.
Quote Sun Tzu often, but only irrelevantly.
Every time one of his miniatures has unrestricted LOS to a target, say 'check'.
Suggest obviously suicidal tactics to your opponents. Explain that 'that's what Custer would do'.
Perform a rousing speech to your troops before the battle. Pose like Mussolini at the end.
Secretly replace your opponent's miniatures one at a time with miniatures from other games.
Claim your miniatures are proxied for another regiment, though that has no bearing on game play whatsoever.
Place all of your infantry on individual monster bases.
Flock your bases with sand. Do not use glue.
Take a halftime break to play with your Blood Bowl cheerleaders.
In rules disputes, reference on Hoyle's book of games.
Place NASCAR-like ads all over your vehicles.
Demand to change table sides at the halfway mark.
Use Play-doh miniatures. When one is killed, pound it into the table with your fist angrily.
When your figure reaches the opponent's table side, demand it be kinged.
Measure distances only with a yardstick.
On a bad roll, swear a blue streak. Use only obscenities approved Judge Dredd.
Sob uncontrollably while removing casualties.
When you win, dump a tub of Gatorade on your commander.
Include the word 'whoopass' on your army list as often as possible.
Don't move your army. Don't fire. Flee when charged.
Proxy a unit of O-scale cows for your commander's bodyguard. Don't forget to give them weapons.
Converts all wheeled models into lowriders. Including cannons and chariots.
Try to play multiple games at once like Gary Kasparov.
Discuss tactics with your troops. Become argumentative.
Four more words: Regis Philbin paint scheme.
In a rules dispute, check 1st, 2nd and 3rd Edition 40k Rulebooks, "just to make sure the rules don't change in each book."
Use a paintball gun to remove casualties. For both sides.
Write army list in pig latin and binary.
Fuzzy dice.
Start each game with the national anthem.
Have an inner monologue during the game. Digress frequently.
During your opponent's turn, yodel.
Each turn replace your commander with a new figure.
After a good die roll, do a victory dance and spike the die.
Write battle report during game. Take at least five minutes to write information between die rolls.
During an Apocalypse game spontaneously throw an angry cat onto the table and shout: “BIO-TITAN DEEPSTRIKE, GO!!!”
Whistle the Great Escape theme tune whenever a Mawloc burrows or units emerge out of a Trygon's tunnel
Do a head count of your models at the end of every movement phase to make sure none get left behind
Act out an elaborate birthing process for each gaunt the Tervigon spawns
Measure distance for weapons with range : unlimited
Saw the table in half and declare exterminatus
Eat potato chips. Leave as many crumbs as possible on table and name it difficult terrain
Stop the game every 15 minutes to have a tea break, acting out all the models conversations in a posh British accent
Ask your opponent if you may field more then 1 calgar explaining you have 10 and can't choose which one you like the best
Hum the StarWars theme song whenever you deepstrike a model before placing it on the table with a dramatic finish.
Insist on praying through the catholic rosary before every dice roll.
Tippex over the wounds entries in your codex and replace them all with tens.
Do a Patton speech at the start of every turn.
Scream "MORTAL KOMBAT!!" at the top of your voice whenever a unit is assaulted.
Shout “Fatality!” when something dies.
Shout “WAAAGH!!!” at random intervals.
Turn some of their models the other way when they aren’t looking and say that they can't shoot.
When one of their tanks is blown up, place another tank on top it etc and build a crazy tower of wrecks.
Paint your models hair colour pink.
Paint your models pink.
Don't paint your models. Ever.
Put the bases on upside down.
Deliberately roll dice into enemy squads.
When playing a smaller points game place your biotitan on the field and say that it is your entire army. Then after they call you out on it leave it on the field as a terrain piece. Move it every turn.
When playing as Dark Eldar, on your first turn immediately concentrate all fire on the smallest weakest enemy unit then have all your units run off the board. Claim it is a perfectly Dark Eldary thing to do.
Sweep your hands across the table and yell EXTERMINATUS!!!!
Model all your units so they are in the prone position. Claim they stand on one knee to fire.
Use a cigarette lighter to melt units killed by flamers and meltas.
Put your tanks on flying bases, claiming they can see everything.
If a jetbike is killed, jam him into the table or nearby terrain as though he crashed there.
When two models die simultaneously, smash them into each other.
Create tiny flags, then place them on objectives and complain when your opponent asks you to remove them.
Put WHFB models on 40k bases; put 40k models on WHFB bases. Try to play regardless.
Insist on leaving the models that die on the field. If a lot of them are in the same area, clam it is cover.
If you play sisters of battle and run an Exorcist, play a small piece of Organ music whenever it fires. If it rolls well, play good music. If it screws up, play terrible music, or just mashing on the organ.
Place a small pet, like a hamster or Gecko, on the table. Claim it is cover if units are behind it. If it runs off the table, put it back in the middle.
Bite the heads off of your opponent’s models that are killed in close combat and yell “Decapitation!”
Spit on your opponent’s models when they get attacked with Bio-Plasma.
Knock your drink onto the table and yell “flash flood!”
Leave in the middle of the game.
Squeak your shoes or enact footsteps when your opponent moves their models.
Clap two coconuts together whenever cavalry is moving.
Tell your models: “If you guys lose again I'm going home and kicking the dog.”
Repeatedly roll your dice off the table. Try to get them under something that sits low to the ground.
Whenever an enemy model dies slap your opponent in the face and tell him that he should look after his troops better.
Every time your opponent loses a model give him a hug and comfort him.
Make tiny nooses for all the models that manage to miss in close quarters shooting and hang, draw and quarter them.
Use only golf terms during the game.
Set up using green plastic army men. Call them antique IG.
Talk trash about one of your squads to one of his squads.
Use dice with no dots.
Use dice with only six dots.
After your opponent sets up ask him if he would rather play Chess.
Spin in circles when it’s not your turn
Flip a coin for everything (troop movements, cc, shooting, everything)
Be over polite. Eg - Great move partner, The best paint job I've ever seen, If I was half as good as you, You should be in tournaments, I don't stand a chance, You’re the best ever…
On your army list use pink paper and a pink pen.
Talk on your cell phone during the game.
Eat honey and touch his models.
Spill paint stripper.
First turn have all your models commit suicide.
Speak in incomplete sentences.
Speak in palindromes.
Speak in fake German.
Use the word LIKE as much as you can. Like this one time like I had like the biggest like battle with like 500 nids and I like lost because like I couldn't like keep like my mind like on the game like.
Rap all your commands.
Act like you win when you lose.
Act like you lose when you win.
Ask your opponent what his strategy is and when he won't tell you complain to the store owner.
Have one model keep a diary. Stop the game so you can write in it for him.
Tell your opponent that he has to have insurance for all his units and their families.
Tell your opponent you want to see his armies budget report. When he can't come up with one threaten to call the IRS.
Wear a cowboy hat and talk about cows and there cover value.
Use unpainted cigarette packs as terrain. Half way through take a smoke break and place the pack somewhere else.
Read your opponent’s and his model’s last rites before the game
Whisper when you talk explain that you commander has a hangover.
Quote movie lines every time your opponent does something. Make sure they're unrelated to what he's doing.
Ask what models your opponent is taking even if you're playing What You See Is What You Get. Then ask to see the army list. Then check his math...Twice.
In a 1500 point game, pull out a 2000 point army and claim its only 1500.
Put a name tag on every single one of your troops, as you move say (ex: "Ok Bob. Move here and kill him")
Put Sisters of Battle heads on some of your units and put them off to the side. Claim that they're cheerleaders.
Instead of rolling the dice to see what number you get, roll them at enemy units and if you hit one, cheer and claim you killed it.
Make your terrain a checker/chess board.
Halfway through the game claim your miniatures are tired and need a rest.
Field a teddy bear and claim its stats are all 10 (except save, which is 1)
Throw a dice at your opponent’s forehead. Wait for him to complain and say what you got on the dice. (Ex: "Ow! What the hell did you do that for!?" "I GOT A 5!!!")
When the opponent wants to start the game, just stare at him.
Bring cheerleaders to cheer you on (ex: "Go, Bob, go! You can do it! Whoop those orks! Give me a B! B! Give me an O! O! Etc... Etc...)
Start crying & trying to resuscitate any of your models that die. Then place them back on the table and say that they were saved.
Keep rolling the dice... When your opponent tells you it’s his turn, point to an empty space on the table and tell him your Stealth Teams haven't fired yet. Immediately following this, speak over your shoulder to an imaginary friend... "This guy thinks he can pull the wool over my eyes!"
Place a shoe on the table, say it’s the new Tau Great White, and say its amour is 25, 25, 25. Then once a turn use it to smack your opponent’s models into the ground under its heel.
When your opponent declares assault phase, start a fist fight with his favourite model, then give him back the model piece by piece and say, "He was picking on me!!!"
When your opponent least expects it... turn off the lights!
Turn the lights off and start flashing around two laser pointers and surreptitiously knocking his models down...When you turn the lights back on, make a sound like a rooster at dawn and say: "You see, the planet that this board represents takes 20 Terran Standard Minutes to rotate completely on its axis...Fortunate my guys were packing Black-Sun filters and plenty of marker lights, eh? You really should pay more attention to your astrophysics!"
Address your troops by their full names.
Address his troops by their full names.
When it's his turn, stand behind him and every time he does something, breathe in through your teeth and say "I wouldn't do that if I were you".
Wear a pair of sunglasses and carry a cane. Say you're blind. Be sure to win and when you do jump around the room saying "I WON! HA HA! You lost to a blind guy!
Claim your commander is having a bad day and that winning would really cheer him up.
Try to place killed models back on the table and when your opponent comments, say you did no such thing.
Every time your opponent moves, shoots, or assaults, laugh. Laugh so hard he thinks he did something stupid so that he reconsiders.
Hover over your opponents shoulder every time it’s his turn. Whisper suicidal strategies.
One by one, start pocketing dice. Do it discreetly. Eventually, your opponent catches on, and then you can laugh at him.
When fielding your Tau force, spray and splash on enough cologne to K.O. a skunk... When your fellow gamers make disgusted faces and pinch their noses, claim you are releasing pheromones to inspire your troops!
Measure everything with a 5'' measurer, being very 'free' when replacing your measurer.
Have a 'lucky die' and use only that die! And before throwing it whisper encouraging words to it and kiss it a lot
Point out that as your opponent's land raider has been sitting still so long, it now has a parking ticket and half his army has to go to court to argue about it!!!
Spring-load tiny foam darts onto all your Pulse Rifles. Get an elastic-band-and-folded-paper catapult and load it into the barrel of your railguns. Have fun.
'Convert' all your models by wrapping them in wads of bright pink silly-putty and insist his troops have to scream 'I am not a number' before they can move or assault...
Take a large box with you into battle. If you've got big feet, a shoebox will do nicely. Every time you have a reserve roll, stroke the box, grin and say prophetically, "It's coming..."
Speak only in haiku form.
Never look directly at your opponent; whenever you would, instead just look slightly to one side of his face, or over his shoulder.
Call him 'Sarah' all the time. Seem confused when he brings it up.
Halfway through the match, leave everything, say nothing and just go. Take a daytrip to France or something. Have a great day out. Then go back, pick up the dice and ask where you were. (Don't do this if you're positive your opponent really likes your army, and would steal it if he had the chance.)
Carry a Magic 8-Ball. Before the match starts, shake it. Ask it if you will win. Depending on the results, claim you won or you lost.
Strap all your miniatures onto fingerboards.
Place spikes around the bases of your FWs and say that any unit that charges them gets skewered with a S7 AP1 hit.
Get a friend to call your opponent on a phone and while he’s gone, pick off 1 or 2 units at a time from his army. If he notices, say they are collateral that he can have back if he pays you $20.
Place firecrackers on some cheap Kroot and claim they are suicide bombers. Send them up to your enemy's men then light them up, hopefully damaging a few of his models with molten plastic.
Place outriggers on your devilfish, widening the prow width, then ram him into your enemies’ forces to inflict some major tank shock. If he thinks you’re cheating, make some insult about his "prow width" and the shock it causes you.
Bring a CD player and some really annoying CDs.
Take at least a minute for every die roll, and claim it’s for good luck
Give all of your miniatures banners and paint propaganda and advertisements on them.
Every time you kill a model, smash it with a hammer. Your opponent will more than likely object. Laugh.
Put some spare Kroot rifles or Dark Eldar bits on your opponent’s chair when he's not looking. See if he notices.
Stuff all your Kroot in 3"squared forest area and claim the entire squad gets a +4 cover save.
Whip your opponent right up the butt with the measurement sticks supplied by GW when he bends over to move his men.
Add a really strong unit from another type of army (Vindicare, Wraithlord, Land Raider, etc.) and say that they're mercenaries.
Get bottle caps to be your guys and say buds are fire warriors or Labats are stealths. Don't tell them which is which.
If you like country music bring 20 CDs and a boom box and play them during the game.
Give a Shas'ui a shield generator and say it covers the whole squad.
Stuff your entire army into one transport, pray you get priority, then move them in, and deploy your entire army. If your opponent asks, say it a special transport.
Paint "just married" on the back of one of your tanks.
Glue a Barney doll to a battle suit base and say it’s the new prototype of your army's power suit. If your opponent is smart, he will surrender immediately.
Every time a model is killed begin to weep and say something like "Alas poor Binky. I knew him well."
Before the game hide in the corner of the room and rock back and forth; if your opponent asks what you are doing, say you are afraid of his big guns.
Every time you kill a model get a pop gun and shoot it off the board.
When it’s your turn, just stare at your opponent. When he says it’s your turn, stare at him with an evil look. When he says something like "Don’t try to be funny" or "stop that", stop staring, furiously step to his side of the table, and in one sweep make all his units fall to the ground shouting "Do you always have to be so angry at me!!!!!!" (If you wear shoes, jump on his models...)
Verbally command your units. When they "don't obey", hit them and send them flying off the table. Give the appropriate comments for the situation.
Stroke your favourite miniature (or your opponent’s mini) and mumble "He’s my friend... I like him... He likes me..."
When your opponent isn't looking, sneak a Sauron miniature onto your field (or his, just to see if he notices).
Use "Inquisitor" sized miniatures.
Speak completely in Orkish.
At the end of the mission yell, “WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!" really loud. Do this whether you play Orks or not.
Demand your opponent remove half his army to bring it within the points limit. When he insists that he's within the limit, burst into tears and ask if he knows what it's like to be lied to.
Demand to know the colour of every one of his units' underwear. If he's playing an army that doesn't have any (e.g. Tyranid) refuse to continue until they're decently covered. Demand they be WYSIWYG.
Every time you kill an enemy model, do a funky dance on the table. Insist that spectators join in and then tell your opponent that the people are with you.
Detect your opponent’s psychic aura and use it (loudly and obnoxiously) to your advantage.
Scream that your opponent is cheating by reading your psychic aura and demand he be blindfolded for the remainder of the game.
Haggle over every dice result.
Take a spare Ethereal model with you. Pray to it in a long ceremony at the beginning of every turn.
Lick each and every one of your figures before you move or fire. Explain that it's for luck.
Hide under the table humming the theme from Mission: Impossible during your opponents turn. Explain that you're "getting into the role" of your stealth suits. Ensure that you have no stealth suits on the board. If he points this out, tap your nose and grin.
Measure the Pulse Rifle against your opponent's guns. Snigger suggestively and for the remainder of the game make comments about his 'inadequacies' compared to the Tau.
Bring a modelling Knife with you when you play if a unit misses an important target cut some of him off. When your opponent wonders what on earth you're doing, say it’s corporal punishment.
Set up on someone else’s board
At the end of the battle, stand on the table and shout "HE IS A CHEATER!" or something like that. (It's much funnier if you two are the only ones in the room)
Whenever you have troops insist on singing Star Trek battle music.
Paint your stealth suits obnoxiously bright colours and give them signs that say, "Fear me for I am invisible!"
Bring a Styrofoam grave-yard (fully decorated) for your soldiers. Paint the foam that comes in blisters brown and use it to cover them, use gravestones and put names for a bunch of the different soldiers.
Point out a random unit in your army claim he is a traitor; have your troops surround him and spend half an hour interrogating him.
Claim your army is comprised of auxiliaries (means nothing to the game) and argue with your opponent about their special power.
Deploy your army so that all your models' weapons are pointed straight at the commander. If your opponent asks, say that it’s a remake of 'The Mutiny on the Bounty'.
Hire someone to chuck dice at your opponent's models.
When your opponent says something such as 'I need 3's to hit' or anything like that, immediately reply with a quick 'no' or 'nope'. When he takes out the rulebook to prove it, take the book and run out the door screaming "YOU CAN KILL MY FIRE WARRIORS, BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE MY FREEDOM!!!" (Something else equally random will also work here.)
Begin having conversations with your models; for example, you could ask about their families or something. When asked what you are doing say "I'm keeping up the morale" then when you take your next LD test, say the LD is 12 because of all your morale-improving exercises.
If you know your opponent has to leave at a certain time, roll every single dice one at a time, and then stare at him or her. When the time comes that he has to leave, and the game isn't over, scream in a foreign accent 'HAHA, YE FOOL MUST FLEE, I AM VICTORIOUS!!!' then begin a random dance.
Before each turn, put the dice in your pants and when he asks, just tell him that you have always taken the tern "love the dice" far too literally.
Bring your dog and claim that he is a special character, then when it eats his models, just say it’s the "swallow whole" rule.
Ask for scatter dice even though you will never need them.
Hold individual 5-minute prayer services for each casualty. For Commanders make the services 10 minutes.
Speak gobbledygook to your opponent. When he says "What?" claim it's your army’s language and he should understand because you learned it in school.
Flock some bases and put them on the table and say they're stealth suits in stealth mode.
Before the battle starts, set a HUGE box of Kleenex next to him and look at him and tell him in a sad voice "Trust me after this is over, you will need these". And if he says anything about that, pull a pack of Depends out of your bag, slap them on the table and say " Oh yeah, sorry, you'll need these too."
Bring a hammer and set it on the table. If your opponent asks, say it’s your back-up plan.
When he is not looking, replace some of his models with some of yours of a slightly different type. See if he notices.
Play Tyranids. Then almost all the time, especially when he's concentrating on his next move, just stare at him and mumble "must..........feed........grrrrrr" in a tyranid-similar voice. Then lick your mouth and maybe search through your bag in a savage manner for a beef jerky and start tearing the jerky with your teeth and stare at your opponent.
Stroke your Hive Tyrant model and mumble "Not long now, my queen. They will all be yours soon..."
Similarly, stroke your favourite model on the table and say "They is not taking you away, my precious..." Do this with a hunched back. If you can do Gollum's voice, do it when you say the words. Otherwise, give it your best shot. It may actually be funnier that way.
Whenever a drone or a vehicle or something similar gets destroyed, put it back on, saying it got repaired on its warranty.
Have a friend stand around during the game. He whispers in your ear before every move and every shot. Your opponent won’t know who he is playing against.
Have a stereo with you. Before the game begins, pop in a mix CD that has music for every event imaginable. When that event happens, play the "appropriate" music.
Tell your opponent that violence is wrong and the game should be stopped now, and they could come to some kind of agreement instead.
In the middle of a battle, tip the table over and say that it's an earthquake.
Say there’s a thunderstorm, then use an electrical current to melt your opponent's models (only works on plastic), saying they got struck by lightning
Charge with 30 Ork Slugga Boyz, warboss and 2 Dreadnoughts, then roll all your dice one at a time. By the time you finish, your opponent will have died of old age, making you the winner.
Pretend to move troops that aren’t really there, and say they're stealth suits.
Get the plastic Cadians, but paint them like UN representatives. Randomly deploy them on the table of OTHER PEOPLE'S games and claim that they are there to break it up.
Take a whiskey shot, scalpel and bandages, arrange all your army around you and begin to perform a Ta'lissera. When he asks you what a Ta'lissera is, just shake your head and continue the ritual. If it doesn't annoy him, it will more than likely scare him away.
When playing against Space Marines/Imperial Guard/Sisters of Battle, make a little diorama of one of your models tearing open the golden throne and ripping the emperor above.
Every time your opponent fails to wound you, or you make an armor save, do the little bullet-bounces-off-me thing with your finger, and yell "PING!" or "KAPWING!"
Surreptitiously use green stuff and a modelling knife to drastically alter his models' bust sizes while he's not looking.
Give every model of yours a very, very giant schlong. Make it with silly putty, so you can adjust the length if you want. Whenever your opponent asks about it, just say, "Jealous, are we?"
Pace back and forth while he is taking his turn. Don't stop until he says he's finished or until he declares an attack.
Bring a brush and some paint to the battle, and while he isn't looking, put streaks of liche purple across his most prized painted figures. If they're already liche purple, use bleached bone.
Base your entire army with white. Give them Dalmatian spots.
Use a flashlight every time you use a marker light.
Field an army of NOTHING but fire warriors, and have them all charge for no reason directly at the closest enemy. You'll probably lose, but the randomness will piss off your opponent.
Don't glue any guns to your fire warriors. When your opponent asks what weapons they have, say they're all Rail Rifles. Stubbornly persist with this.
Every time you walk through jungle terrain, yell "KYEEEEEHEEEHEEEHEEE!!!!!"
Employ the "KYEEEEEHEEEHEEEHEEE!!!!!" tactic any time during the battle.
At the beginning of your shooting phase, play with your ordnance template (move it between your fingers, flip it, etc.) and chuckle menacingly. Do this even if you have nothing that uses an ordnance template.
When fighting Orks, every time they move their Grotz, sing the Oompa-Loompa song.
Convert some Tau to ride Space Marine bikes. Put other random conversions using vehicles/bikes/ heavy weapons from other armies. When questioned about these, yell "BECAUSE I CAN!!!" Then lapse into an uncomfortable silence for the next 5 minutes.
Whenever your opponent declares an assault against you, yell "I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LLAALAALAALAALAAAAA!" Run around in a circle with your hands over your ears while you're yelling this.
Speak in l337 speak. Say every letter. e.g. //h0|23 = "forward slash, back slash, forward slash, back slash, h, zero, absolute value bar, two, three!"
At the beginning of your turn, yell "This looks like a job for Superman!" If you have a Superman costume, wear it to the match, if you know you will be employing this line.
Charge with 20 Kroot, 8 Kroot Hounds and 3 Krootox. Then insist on rolling all your dice one at a time
In the middle of a turn, randomly start singing "I FEEL PRETTY! OH SO PRETTY! I FEEL PRETTY AND WITTY AND GAAAAAAYYYYYY!" Force everyone around you to join in.
Turn 2: Take every single one of your models off the board. Put them up. Leave. Don't come back. Never say a word while doing this.
Insist on racing one of his vehicles with one of your own. No shooting. Just moving.
Say one of your weak units kills a powerful character. Pick the model up off the table, yell "IN YOUR FACE!" and run victory laps around your gaming area.
Then, after you run the victory laps, take the model, make a diorama of him killing the character; for the background, make an Imperial-like piece of parchment out of green stuff and paint on it in black what happened and how he killed him.
Every time your opponent takes a shot, even if it is completely open and not hull-down, tell your opponent you don't think he sees enough of your vehicle/ is in range/ whatever and tell him you'll be nice enough to give him the shot on a 4+. When he complains about this, mumble something to the effect of "stupid humans don't understand human technology"
Wear a giant sombrero to the game.
Put the sombrero on the ground and do the Mexican hat dance around it.
Get the Mexican hat dance stuck in your opponents head.
Field a 3000 point army of NOTHING but Grots, zapguns, looted vehicles w/ Grot Riggerz, etc.
Dip your opponent's plastic models in acetone and watch the lawsuits begin!!!
|
![[image]](http://i253.photobucket.com/albums/hh41/Phoenra/NecronLogoForum2.jpg "[image]") ![[image]](http://i253.photobucket.com/albums/hh41/Phoenra/StopChatSpeak.gif "[image]") Eternity comes to those who wait. Human is as Human does. Have Fun  |
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Hyper Kinetic
Norn Queen
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Mercury's Faster Brother
Joined: Jul 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,961
Location: Kalgoorlie, Western Australia
| | Re: Warhammer comedy!
« Reply #35 on Mar 13, 2011, 9:59pm » | |
THE SPACE MARINE COMMANDMENTS
1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter (please do not swear)," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
2. Orks are not "cute."
3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
10. Thou shalt not use thy Multi-Meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's Chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag.
14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
16. Thou shall not throw soap at Nurglings.
17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.
21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".
23. Virus bombs are not fun in a box.
24. Shooting one of your own men who looks at you funny does not count as an "enemy casualty".
25. Thou shalt not clog the Lascannon tubes "just to see what happens".
26. Thou shalt not spread cooking oil in front of a Dreadnought.
27. Thou shalt not attempt to shake the Chaplainís hand whilst wearing a Power Fist.
28. Putting sand inside the Terminatorsí Armour is not "funny".
29. Thou shalt not refer to the Standard of Fortitude as a "walking stick"
30. Thou shalt not refer to the Bolt Pistol as a novelty cigarette lighter.
31. The Earthshaker Cannon is not a "hat stand" nor is the Sentinel a "standard lamp".
32. Thou shalt not use Land Raiders to "play chicken" with Imperial Guard Chimeras.
33. Thou shalt not put a "Purge me!" sign on the back of the Chaplainís armour.
34. Thou shalt not compliment the Dark Eldar by calling them "kinky"
35. Thou shalt not let an Ork be the designated driver
36. Thou shalt not replace the holy unguents for the Machine Spirit with grain alcohol
37. Thou shalt not invite a Banshee to Karaoke
38. Thou shalt not replace the O2 units on the Commanderís Power Armour with laughing gas
39. Thou shalt not train a Hormogaunt to be a watchdog
40. Thou shalt not take "Old One Eye" out of context..."He's in my Artificer Armour he..he..duh!"
41. Thou shalt not call Dark Angels "hippie alter boys"
42. Thou shalt not taunt an Eldar "gee didn't these used to shoot further?"
43. Thou shalt not refer to the Golden Throne as "the nicest commode in the galaxy"
44. Thou shalt not attempt to offer a Carnifex a breath mint.
45. Thou shalt not throw a Warp Beast a dog biscuit.
46. Thou shalt not hope for mud wrestling during a Wych/ Sisters battle.
47. Thou shalt not ask a Warlock what he wears under his robe.
48. Thou shalt not tease an Inquisitor with "look Sir-Heretics!"
49. Thou shalt not play whack-a-mole with those little Jawa-wannabe Dark Angel thingies (tangent).
50.Thou shalt not wear oven mitts when issued a Plasma Gun.
51. Thou shalt not take the Rhino to procure monkish ale before filling out His Most Holy acquisitions forms.
52. Thou shalt not ask the Librarian if he has records concerning Uranus.
53. Thou shalt not refer to the flamer as a "novelty toaster"
54. Thou shalt not ask the Apothecary to guess what you have eaten by looking at your tongue.
55. Thou shalt not remove the motors from a Terminators' Armour during battle.
56. Thou shalt not point and laugh saying 'look somebody missed the toilet when battling Snotlings.
57. Thou shalt not break wind in the presence of the Emperor (unless properly addressed to do so)
58. Eldar helmets may not be use as hole-punches.
59. Thou shalt not refer to the daily rituals as "psychological warfare" nor shalt thou refer to the Index Astartes as "the book of grudges"
60. Thou shalt not say, "will someone please tell the Emperor to trash or get off the Throne"
61. Thou shalt not petition His Most Holy administration to make "Inquisition" an Olympic sport.
62. Thou shalt not instigate a "my Primarch could beat up your Primarch" debate.
63. Thou shalt not use heavy breathing and "I am your father" as a battle cry when wielding a Power Sword and entering an assault
64. Thou shalt not affect a Transylvanian accent around the Blood Angels.
65. No hair pulling when enjoying brotherly contests with the Space Wolves.
66. Duct-taping a Flamer to your Boltgun does not count as a Combi-weapon, and painting it pretty won't make it "Master Crafted"
67. Thou shalt not punt Grots for pleasure.
68. Thou shalt not shout "Thongs for the Thong God!" in front of the Dark Eldar lest thou wish to learn the true meaning of pain.
69. Thou shalt not debate the protective merits of purple spandex with the Dark Eldar.
70. Thou shalt not write theatre criticism and charge His Most Holy treasury to mail it to the Harlequin.
71. Power armour never makes a Sister look fat.
72. Thou shalt not laugh maniacally when flaming the non-believers.
73. Thou shalt not use Thunder Hammers to play croquet.
74. Thou shalt not start rounds of "you might be a Cítan if" while imbibing strong monkish ale.
75. Though shalt not refer to thine brethren, whom the Emperor has dictated be armed with an incendiary weapon, as a "Flamer" constantly. For this has been proven to lower morale and cause strife within His Most Holy showering facilities.
76. Thou shalt not affect an Austrian accent around the Necrons.
77. Thou shalt not ask Rough Riders if you can pet their ponies.
78. Thou shalt not stray from the Adeptus Mechanicus' directive towards ornamentation of Rhinos; specifically no aluminium sport rims, neon, extraneous exhaust pipes, or fuzzy dice.
79. Thou shall not attempt to challenge the Eldar to games of 'Counter-strike'.
80. Thou shall not, in any way, shape, or form, take the Land Speeder joyriding.
81. Remember; shining Lasguns in the Guardsí eyes is WRONG.
82. Thou shall not pretend to have been possessed by a Daemon.
83. Thou shall not call the sacred Plasma gunners of the Imperial Guard 'fizz busters'.
84. Yes, it will be noticed if you 'borrow' the Chapter Master's equipment.
85. Thou shall not use supported War Hounds to 'play ball' with Imperial Guard Sentinels.
86. It is NOT cool to feed Snotlings copious amounts of narcotics!
87. It is not "funny" to dress up as a Bloodletter and jump out in front of the Chapter Master.
88. Replacing a Brother's ammunition with blanks is not "funny"
89. Wiffle bats are not approved hand weapons.
90. Playing naughty movies in your Power Armourís Autosensors is not sanctioned by the Adeptus Astartes.
91. Thou shalt not teleport into the Sisters showering facilities.
92. Thou shalt not taunt our revered Dreadnought brethren by tapping on their window and saying "anyone in there?"
93. Thou shalt not commandeer Drop Pods to go for pizza.
94. Thou shalt not refer to the Emperorís Champion as "that brown-noser"
95. Nuking from orbit is not doctrinally feasible for removal of annoying insects-unless they be Tyranids.
96. Thou shalt not tickle the Fallen to press for confession and redemption.
97. Thou shalt not follow a Librarian around thinking, "Can you hear me now", repetitively in an attempt to drive him insane.
98. Thou shalt not refer to the Wulfen as "damn dirty apes".
99. Thou shalt not use Whirlwinds to put on fireworks displays.
100. Thou shalt not ask the Dark Angels if they "can keep a secret"
101. Thou shalt not do Scooby Doo impersonations when speaking to the Space Wolves.
102. Thou shalt not tell the Salamanders "sorry about the Multi-Melta thing"
103. Thou shall not ask directions from the Wulfen.
104. Thou shall not ask Berserkers for an axe.
105. Thou shalt not do doughnuts in a Rhino, unless thou wishes to clean the passenger's vomit from the floor, as doughnuts make passengers dizzy
106. Thou shalt not write "Biggest (please do not swear) on the Battlefield" on the side of thy Land Raider, even if it is true.
107. Thou shalt not take the Rhino out on Saturdays to 'impress the girls'.
108. Tyranids are not cute.
109. Though shalt not use Lasguns as laser sights for thy Bolters
110. Just because youíre fighting Necrons it doesnít mean your standard equipment is a Skaven and a tin opener.
111. Thou shalt not throw snowballs at Salamander Space Marines whilst yelling, "THINK FAST!"
112. Thou shalt not ask Ork prisoners "why the red ones go faster"
113. Thou shalt not attempt to drown out Noise Marines with ye old rave music
114. Never ask a Dreadnought "how old are you?"
115. Thou shalt not use the Golden Throne as a microwave
116. Thou shalt not wear a dress in the presence of the Dark Angels
117. Thou shalt not wear fake fangs in the presence of the Space Wolves
118. Thou shalt not ask a Space Wolf if he wants a biscuit
119. Thou shalt not eat another Marineís paste
120. Thou shalt not trip a Dark Angel in front of an Interrogator-Chaplain
121. Thou shalt not trip an Interrogator-Chaplain
122. Thou shalt not fill Demolisher shells with lots of flowers.
123. Scouts are not 'target practice'.
124. Thou shalt not replace the Chapter Master's Power Sword with a plastic sword.
125. It is not funny to put an 'Eat me' sign on the Librarian's back prior to a Tyranid attack.
126. Thou shalt NOT refer to the Dreadnought as 'Granddad', nor shalt thou hang a, 'I told you I was sick' sign from it.
127. Thou shalt not play 'peek-a-boo' with the Machine Spirit.
128. Thou shalt not unscrew your Battle Brethrenís leg plates.
129. It is not funny to play ring toss with Orks tusks.
130. When faced by the Inquisition, donít laugh.
131. Necrons are not cans
132. Thou shalt not eat prunes before a battle
133. Thou shalt not refer to the company Techmarine as "Scotty."
134. Thou shalt not challenge the Terminator Company to a game of "Twister."
135. Thou shalt not refer to Ripper Swarms as... "Cute."
136. Thou shalt not refer to Catachan Jungle Fighters as "tree hugging hippies"
137. Thou shalt not suggest the Eldar "live long and prosper."
138. Thou shalt not tell a Space Wolf it smells as if something crawled up and died in their mouth.
139. Thou shalt not replace the Space Wolves store of Tuna with cans of Puppy Chow.
140. Thou shalt not use Imperial Guardsmen as sticks while playing fetch with a Hive Tyrant.
141. Thou shall not use Flame Falcons to toast thy marsh mellows
142. Thou shall not ask an Inquisitor's Psyber-Eagle "does Polly wanna cracker?"
143. Thou shall not ask the Lametors "are ya feeling lucky punk, well are ya?"
144. Dating the Veteran Sergeant is the exclusive privilege of the Heavy Weapon trooper
145. Thou shalt not ask the Eldar females if they are interested in a hand-portable 'Vibro Cannon'...
146. Thou shalt not strut around Imperial Guardsmen bragging about how 'well-equipped' you are.
147. Thou shalt not ask the Thousand Sons if they are that slow on purpose.
148. Thou shalt not taunt the Imperial Guard with threats of utilizing a Lascannon upon their posteriors in an unnatural fashion.
149. Thou shalt NEVER, under any circumstances, interrupt a Navigator's concentration during warp travel to ask him if you "are there yet."
150. Thou shalt not challenge Karandras the Shadow hunter to an arm-wrestling match
151. Thou shalt not refer to Eldar Swooping Hawk grenades as "bird droppings," nor shalt thou taunt them by using a mortar to pet them with birdseed.
152. Thou shalt not use the Emperor's Champion Iron Halo to play horseshoes in thy free time.
153. Thou shalt not use the Chapter Standard to dry thy undergarments upon
154. Thou shalt NEVER take the Steve Irwin approach to Tyranids; if they do not respond to external stimuli, do not attempt to poke it with a stick.
155. Thou shalt not consider it "funny" to replace the smoke canisters in your Chapter's Land Raider's Smoke Launchers with narcotic substances
156. He who takes advantage of the Emperor's paralysis by painting his fingernails will be summarily executed
157. Shoulder Pads are not to be removed for use as ice-cream scoops.
158. Thou shalt not replace our Honoured Brother Terminator Captain's Storm Bolter with a Vulcan Mega Bolter, nor shalt thou feign surprise at his inability to lift it.
159. Thou shalt not distract our Librarian whilst he attempts to cast Smite; else thou shalt be forced to clean the inside of his helmet.
160. Thou shalt not replace a Thunderhawk's firebase supplies with bouncy castles.
161. Thou shalt not burn our Captain's robe on a cold night.
162. Thou shalt not replace the Apothecary's Reductor with a syringe.
163. Undoing the straps between a Brother and his jump-pack is not funny.
164. Thou shalt not utilize the Techmarine's Signum for engaging in long and sexy chitchat with Battle Sisters.
165. Thou shalt not replace the Grimoire of True Names with "Daemon Hunting for Dummies"
166. Thou shalt not put thine Emperor gifted gene seed into the beverage of your fellow Battle Brothers.
167. Thou shalt not duct tape over the emergency venting on the most holy Plasma Pistol of the Chapter Master
168. Thou shalt not make "Your Mum" jokes in the presence of the Adeptus Soritas
169. Though shalt not unscrew the bolts on thine Brothers' greaves in order to "pants" him.
170. Thou shalt not use thine holy Meltagun as an arc welder.
171. Thou shall not play pin the tail on the Dreadnought
172. Thou shalt never say, "You canít handle the Truth!" to a Dark Angel.
173. Thou shall not use bug spray on Tyranids (it won't work only distracts)
174. Thou shall not name a Salamander Dreadnought "the Hulk"
176. Never mix up Khorne marines with Blood Angels
177. Do not play golf with Mortarion (he uses Nurglings to move the ball)
178. Never play American football with a Bloodthirster
179. Thou shalt never throw a stick at Space Wolves and command them to fetch.
180. Thou shalt not challenge Guardsmen to arm wrestling whilst thou is wearing a Power Fist
181. Thou shalt not rent advertising space on thin banners
182. Thou shalt not hurt Cypher
183. Thou shalt not question Commandment 182
184. Thou shalt not be turned on by anything related to Slaanesh
185. Thou shalt not refer to Daemonettes as 'booby daemons'
186. Thou shalt not glue thy Land Raider assault doors shut
187. Thou shalt not mock exalted members of thy Chapter for 'not having the enemyís permission to fight'
188. If thou is worth 300 points thou must kill 300 pts before being allowed to die.
189. Thou shalt use unleaded gas only for thy Land Raider
190. Thou shalt not use Servo Skulls as baseballs
191. Thou shalt not laugh at thy Brethren whom are from 1st or 2nd edition
192. Thou shalt not compare Commissars to Nazis
193. By order of the Inquisition: There is no such thing as the Inquisition, questioning this will have thou deemed heretic by the Inquisition
194. Thou shalt not complain to thy Force Commanders in coming months when thou cannot attack the enemy immediately following exiting Rhinos
195. If thou are members of the Black Templar then thou must not whine that the Emperor's Champion has the your only Iron Halo
196. Thou shalt not install hydraulics on thy Rhino
197. Thou shall not question the decoration of the Chapter fortress: if skulls with wings are good enough for Him on Terra they are good enough for you.
198. Thou shall not strap lawn furniture to jump packs in an attempt to recreate first ed. Land Speeders.
199. Thou shall not complain about no longer having Jet Bikes.
200. Thou shall not confuse Guardsmen by shouting "OMG! Zerg Rush!".
201. Thou shall not point out there is no 175 commandment
202. Thou shall not give members of thy Biker squad Thunder Hammers and Grots so thy may play polo
203. Thou shalt never use Lasguns as flashlights during a night fight
204. Thou shalt not take the emperor's teeth in vain
205. Thou shalt not comment on the odd shape of the Inquisitor's head
206. Thou shalt not do "wheelies" or "donuts" on you bike.
207. Thou shalt not have a "kegger" on the eve of battle, thus making yourselves less effective in the morning.
208. Thou shalt not refer to the Almighty Emperor as "The Righteous Dead Dude."
209. Thou shalt not check to see if your Bolt Pistol is loaded by looking down the barrel!
210. Thou shalt not go on panty raids into Sister Of Battle Monasteries.
211. Thou shalt not use thy scope for anything outside of battle. Anyone caught using them to spy out life mates shalt lose privileges.
212. Thou shalt not sell thy extra organs on the Black Market.
213. Though it is entertaining, thou shalt not wave a fly swatter near the Tyranid fleets.
214. Thou shalt not use thine Chainsword as a backscratcher.
215. Thou shalt not use thine Bolt Pistol as a q-tip.
216. Thou shalt not attempt to imitate heathen noise marines with "heavy metal" or "death metal" through thine com-speakers.
217. Although tempting, do not attempt to give a Tau a "high-fiveî.
218. Thou shalt not laugh at how small Imperial Guardsmen are.
219. Thou shalt not bend to the will of nerds playing war games, and act upon your own free will.
220. Thou shalt not transmit images of unclothed Sisters to the Astropaths.
221. Thou shalt not advertise on thine armour.
222. Thou shalt not wave fake skulls at the Berserkers.
223. Thou shalt not wave a red flag near a Chaos Dreadnought.
224. Thou shalt guard thy Bolter when camping with Imperial Guard.
225. Thou shalt not sniff Warp fumes.
226. Thou shalt not use bug bomb against the ëNids
227. Thou shalt not play Internet games with Tzeentch.
228. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor.
229. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor spam.
230. Thou should beware of thy Lictor behind cardboard bushes.
231. Terminators and glue do not mix.
232. Thou shalt not spray paint thy armour to make it look cool.
234. Thou shalt not have water gun fights with Lasguns. (The guard needs them)
235. Thou shalt not juggle Power Weapons.
236. Thou shalt not hide video links in the Sisters of Battle's Monastery.
237. Grenades are not water balloons.
238. Thou shalt not use insect repellent against Tyranids.
239. Thou shalt not use water guns against Necron.
240. Thou shalt not piss on the Iron Halo.
241. Daemons are not your friends.
242. Barney the Dinosaur is not your friend.
243. Barney is a heretic.
244. Barney merchandise are simply prohibited.
245. Barney is not a Tyranid
246. Digimons are not in the 40K universe.
247. Digimons are not affiliated with the Necron.
248. Pokemons are not Digimons!
249. Pokemons are not fun to play with.
250. Thou shalt not steal candy from babies, Orks, Gretchins or Commissars.
251. Thou shalt not play ìTruth or Dareî with Sisters.
252. Thou shalt not ìSpin the Bottleî with Sisters.
253. Thou shalt not play ìHangmanî with the Inquisitor or Berserker.
254. Thou shalt ignore strange voices in your head.
255. Thou shalt not put a cork in the Inquisitors pistol.
256. Thou shalt not hide the Land Raider in a lake.
257. The Land Raider is not a hotel room!
258. Spiking the beer is forbidden.
259. Shotguns are not practice guns.
260. Lasguns donít make cool disco lights for your party.
261. Pixie wings are not jump packs.
262. Thou shalt not trade thine bike for a skateboard.
263. Thou shalt not ignore the Chaplain as he recites the tales of Spot the Dog.
264. Darth Vader isnít the son of Abaddon.
265. Thou shalt not use the sentinel Powerlifter as a babe-magnet for the Sisters.
266. ìIt makes a funny noiseî is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
267. ìHe started itî is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
268. Thou shalt not get a Sister intoxicated for thy own pleasures.
269. Thou shalt not sexually harass the Servitors even if they wonít notice.
270. Thou shalt not have an ice cream Superfantasical Day.
271. Thou's name is not GiX.
272. Thou shalt not smoke, inhale or inject illegal pharmaceuticals into thy holy body even though your advanced physiological structure could probably withstand the effects.
273. Thou shalt not put "Ecstasy" in the punch when Battle Sisters arrive for a formal meeting with the Chapter's Authorities.
274. Thou shalt not practise vampiric tendencies despite your urge to do so.
275. Thou shalt not howl when the Chapter Master bends over. (Full moon out tonight!)
276. You shalt not comment on being a better shot then the Inquisitor.
277. The Chaplain is not too preachy.
278. Gambling for Grots is not allowed.
279. Your sergeant is not a pugy (please do not swear).
280. You shalt not smack the Sisterís butt and then wink at her.
281. The lab research Tyranids are not for emergency rations.
282. Thou shalt not use a Flamer to cook a whole cow and leave none for the others.
283. Thou shalt not set fly strips outside your tent in a Tyranid warzone.
284. Thou shalt not wear Lord Commander Dante's Death Mask (or any Death Masks at all for that matter) on Halloween, any other masquerade parties or for fun when not in battle!
285. Thou shalt not try to see how much a Death Company Marine can take (physical or psychical)!
286. Thou shalt not put "tags" on the Holy Shrouds or Banners or write on it in anyway at all.
289. Ricoís Roughnecks are not real.
290. Thou shalt not over-charge thy bike!
291. Thou shalt not use the over-charged engines for "drag-racing"!
292. Thou shalt not have a Blood-party (as in tea-party) with Mephiston during battle!
293. Thou shalt not play "no blinking" with Mephiston!
294. Thou shalt not give Tycho an Ork for his Birthday (or any day at all for that matter, or speak him about Orks).
295. Thou shalt not release Moriar from his restrainment or tap in his vital liquids!
296. Thou shalt not ask the Sanguinary Priest for something to drink!
297. Thou shalt obey these 627 commandments! (Isn't it hard counting when being a scout?)
298. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to "fry your diner"!
299. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to get ìKFCî or ìMaccaísî.
300. Thou shalt not kill each other because "thou are the real Sanguinius".
301. Thou shalt not make wounds to resemble the wounds of thou mighty Primarch Sanguinous, the Chaplain paint these on your armour!
302. Thou shalt not "make bunny-ears" with thy fingers behind the Chaplain whilst he gives battle-orders.
302. Thou shalt not fake death in order to get blood from the Sanguinary Priests.
303. Thou shalt keep thou armour on, although thou might think thou are invincible, thou DO need thy armour!
304. Thou shalt not fall asleep whilst the Chaplain is in prayer.
305. Thou shalt not use thy weapons upon thyself, thou still can get hurt.
306. Thou shalt not jump out in front of the Rhino to get into the fight whilst still in motion...wait for orders to disembark!
307. Thou shalt look both ways before crossing the street.
308. Thou shalt not try to "steal" assaults away from Battle Brothers....they are allowed some fun too!
309. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Tyranidsí mighty One-Eyed monster ( arr pirate matey).
310. Thou shalt not mistake the Harlequin's Kiss for some fruity clown prank.
311. Thou shalt not light cigarettes near the Hellhounds.
312. Genestealers ARE NOT trying to rob you of your denim trousers.
313. Thou shalt not chase thy Grot with a fork.
314. Thou shalt not call the firearms of the Imperial Guard ìSega Lock-Onsî.
315. Thou shalt not call the Adeptus Arbites ìpigsî or ìbaconsî.
316. Thou shalt not place buckets of water over the Inquisitors door.
317. Inquisitors are not ìNigel no friendsî
318. Thou shalt not use thy laser sight to blind Imperial Guard.
319. Thou shalt not remove the Imperial Guards power packs from their Lasguns while they are asleep.
320. Thou shalt not play ìfrisbeeî with a Tau Shield Drone.
321. Remember a Primarch is for life not just for Christmas.
322. Thou shalt not eat toast in your Power Armour (Iím not going to vacume the crumbs out of the toes again).
323. Thou shalt not put fridge magnets on thy power Prmour (Even if you have been to Cornwall).
324. Thou shalt not tune into FM rock on your intercom.
325. Thou shalt not put bananas in the Commander's Rhino's exhaust pipes.
326. Thou shalt not hang "Pine Fresh" on Moriar (even if he is a bit ripe by now!)
327. Scented Pine Trees hanging off Rear Vision mirrors in favour of the Dice, is now prohibited.
328. Thou shalt not offer to clean the Sister's armour whilst they change.
329. Thou shalt not use Power weapons or Chain-weapons to cut your food.
330. Thou shalt remove the batteries from weapons to put in your RC toys.
331. Thou shalt not swap the salt and pepper.
332. Thou shalt not play "I see, I see what you don't see" over the intercom during battles!
333. Thou shalt not "go out to get cigarettes" during prayers!
334. Thou shalt not make remarks about the physical appearance of Sisters.
335. Thou shalt not swap your Battle Brothers gun with a water pistol.
336. Thou shalt not participate in any intoxication (i.e. alcohol) contests with Imperial Guards.
337. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if her armour is too small.
338. Thou shalt not ask a Sister about her age.
339. ìNoî means ìNoî.
340. Thou shalt not make cat-sounds when Sisters argue.
341. Thou shalt not refer to Sister Supreme as 'Mistress'.
342. Thou shalt not refer to Ork Dreadnoughts as 'garbage bins'.
343. Thou shalt not make funny noises during a speech/prayer.
342. Thou shalt not "play shooting range" with Gretchins.
343. Thou shalt not brag about how many you've killed with a Dark Eldar.
344. Thou shalt not write or "put tags" on vehicles or armour.
345. Thou shalt not use Servitors to catch your paper.
346. Thou shalt not yell ìcatfight!î when Sisters argue.
347. Thou shalt not press the buttons in a Demolisher tank.
348. Thou shalt not hum cartoon theme songs when around the Tau.
349. Thou shalt not refuse the Sisters your chocolate rations, especially during the time of their "Red rage".
350. Thou shalt never refer to the size of a Sisters rear armour.
351. Thou shalt always offer to rub a Sisters feet after battle. I need not explain why.
352. Thou shalt always carry thine universal remote control when facing Necrons.
353. Thou shalt never offer to sell your soul to the Dark Eldar for beer money. Not even in jest.
354. Thou shalt never ask a Daemonette for some "handiwork", else thou will have to join
the Sisters.
355. Thou shalt not remind your commander how many times he has been slain by the badly coloured Tyranid.
356. Thou shalt leave the Plasma Gun well and truly alone.
357. Thou shalt not play Russian roulette with automatic weapons. It doesn't work .
358. Thou shalt not shave the Space Wolves while they are asleep.
359. Thou shalt not load the dice.
360. Thou shalt not move that extra little inch in movement phase.
361. Thou shalt not fire thy Bolter at enemies you can't really see except a leg sticking out of a building.
362. Thou shalt follow thy rulebook.
363. Thou shalt not make up rules.
364. Thou are not fearless... thou art fearless... argh anyone got a codex?
365. Thou shalt not laugh at the Cultist.
366. Thou shalt beware of bird poo when Greater Daemon of Tzeentch is around.
367. Thou shalt not use Penicillin tipped bolts in your Boltgun against Nurglings.
368. Thou shalt not waste thy 15 minutes free time trying to get laid.
369. Thou shalt beware of possessed 2 litre coke bottles.
370. Thou shalt not stare at feet during the battle march.
371. Thou shalt not aim at thy Commanders back.
372. Thou shalt watch thy foot steps.
373. Beware of the drunken Leman Russ.
374. Thou shalt not binge drinks with the Imperial Guard.
375. Thou shalt not challenge a Daemon Prince to a fist fight.
376. Thou art not unexpendable.
377. Thou shalt look before thou leap.
378. Thou shalt not bring your sack lunch to battle.
379. Thou shalt not use they Bike as a battering ram.
380. Thou shalt beware of potholes and speed bumps.
381. Lord Logan is not "Wolfie".
382. Seraphims do not want to join the "Mile High Club".
383. Spiky bits are not meant for hanging laundry on.
384. Ultramarine scout is not "little boy blue".
385. Never refer to the Canoness as "big momma".
386. Thou shalt not put ìkick meî signs on thy Brothers backs.
387. Thou shalt not nail Nurglings to the back of the Rhino as fuzzy decorations.
388. Thou shalt not put itching powder in a Dreadnought.
389. Thou shalt not wink suggestively at Daemonettes.
390. Thou shalt not use can openers on Ork Dreadnoughts.
391. Thou shalt not replace the commissars' comm-link with a Plasma Grenade for a laugh.
392. Thou shalt not refer to Armoured Vompanies as agoraphobes.
393. Thou shalt not ask Techmarines to put mag wheels on your Bike.
394. Thou shalt not use a looted Terrorfex for Halloween.
395. Thou shalt not sneak into the Rock while the Dark angels are asleep and discover that their secret is that all the high ranking Angels wear dresses. Er... oops...
396. Thou shalt not invite babes back to the Monastery.
397. Thou shalt not spike drinks with Sanguiniusí blood.
398. Thou shalt not step on Guardsmen and then say thou didn't see them.
399. Thou shalt not refer to Paul Sawyer as "The Great Unclean One".
400. Thou shalt not call a Dark Angel "Jessica Alba".
401. Thou shalt not give a Sister breast implants.
402. Neither shalt thou ask wether those ìgunsî are real or not.
403. Thou shalt never say anything about the Squats.
404. Thou shalt not overheat a Plasma Gun for a college prank.
405. Thou shalt not give the Death Company caffeine.
406. Thou shalt not insult a Thousand Son about his (please do not swear).
407. Thou shalt not taunt a Space Wolf with a piece of steak.
408. Thou shalt not poop thy Power Armour.
409. Thou shalt not make mention of the irony that a Grot blaster is a Lasgun, only the Orks admit it is (please do not swear).
410. Thou shalt not over clock thine Pentium and use it as a Plasma weapon.
411. Thou shalt not intentionally overheat a plasma weapon and give it to an IG.
412. Thou shalt not trip over Tau.
413. Thou shalt not attempt to steal a Tau's weapon "to give to the poor Guardsmen".
414. Thou shalt not moon the Tau in combat. They are good shots.
415. Thou shalt not invoke the wraith of conures. If you are foolish enough to do so, a conure the size of two to four titans shalt descend upon the table and inflict his wraith.
416. Thou shalt not attempt to borrow Tau Stealth Suits so that you might spy on the Sisters in their quarters.
417. Thou shalt not attempt to rebuild a Necron as a washing machine.
418. Thou shalt not laugh at the poorly painted armies.
419. Thou shalt not play ìfetchî with a Kroot Hound using a Guardsman.
420. Thou shalt not go big game fishing for Manta Missile Destroyers.
421. Thou shalt not try to change the batteries on a Scarab.
422. Thou shalt not use the Blades of Reason to trim thy fingernails.
423. Thou shalt not feed the Warp Beasts.
424. Thou shalt not pet the Kroot Hounds.
425. Thou shalt not ask the Sisters whether it's dyed or real.
426. Thou shalt not call Old One Eye "Surf and Turf".
427. Thou shalt not moonlight as a security guard if thine armour is red.
428. Thou shalt not use the Hellhound to cook thy rations.
429. Thou shalt not use thy Power Armour comm.-link to prank call the Imperial Guard Storm
Troopers.
430. Thou shalt not sneak up on thy Commanding Officer, and yell "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD" in his ear.
431. Thy Bolter is not to be used to shoot cans off walls.
432. Thou shalt not steal the Land Speeder to "pick up Sisters".
433. The Leman Russ is not a kettle. Do not attempt to use it to make tea or coffee.
434. Thou shalt not attempt to empty your waste-paper basket into an Ork Dreadnought.
435. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino as a "Clown Car", although thy might think it is.
436. When throwing thy holiest of His grenades always count to three, yes three, not one,
for it is not the holiest of numbers, or two, for the holiness of two pales in comparison, but three, yes three, not one or two, unless thou shalt be proceeding to three.
437. Thou shalt not use blind grenades to sneak into the Sister's encampment.
438. Thou shalt not mention the name "Buffy" when near the Blood Angels.
439. Thou shalt not use Necron Scarabs as "Boogie Boards".
440. Thou shalt not call Harlequins ìpsychedelicî or ìgroovyî
441. Thou shalt never show an army of Orks more than two Harlequins at once.
442. Thou shalt never laugh at the Laughing God.
443. Thou shalt never play ìHide and Seekî with Librarians or Inquisitors.
444. Thou shalt not play ìtagî with Gaunts.
445. Thou shalt never tie thy Power Armour laces together.
446. Thou shalt never say "Resistance is futile" to the Adeptus Mechanicus.
447. Thou shalt never criticize the ìpaper boysî in the Adeptus Administratum.
448. Thou shalt not sell Chapter property on eBay.
449. Thou shalt not put a cork in thine Battle Brothers waste disposal outlet tube.
450. Thou shalt not "entertain" The Adeptus Sororitas in your billet.
451. Thou shalt not refer to Imperial Guardsmen as "Cannon fodder".
452. The Imperial Guard Colonel did not visit a fancy-dress shop.
453. The Lasgun is not to be used to carve your name into the Land Raider's/ Predator's/
Rhino's/ Razorbacks/ Leman Russ's/ Titan's armour plating.
454. Thou shalt not lend Imperial Guardsmen your Power Armour or swap places for a day with Guardsmen.
455. Thou shalt not try to perform brain surgery whilst wearing Power Armour.
456. Thou shalt not assume that because you can take a Bolter hit in the head, the
Guardsman over there can too.
457. Thou shalt not use Tau shoulder pads as padding in games of cricket.
458. Thou shalt not hide the keys to the Battle Barge.
459. Thou shalt not call Ork Dreadnoughts or Killer Kans "R2-D2's big brother".
460. Thou shalt not threaten thy enemy with a "Plasma enema" and thou shalt not carry out the act.
461. Thou shalt not flirt with the Banshee. They are the enemy.
462. Thou can not date a Dark Eldar Wych. They are the enemy too.
463. Thou shalt not steal the Battle Sisters makeup.
464. Thou shalt not try on the Battle Sisters armour to see if it compares to your own.
465. Thou shalt not make fun of Warp Spiders guns.
466. Thou shalt not take the Land Raider for a joy ride.
467. Thou shalt not perform dare devil stunts in the Rhino. Especially if thine Brethrens are in the back.
468. Thou shalt not hijack the Battle Sisters Immolator. Especially if there are any Battle
Sisters still on board!
469. Thou shalt not add bits to thine armour to try to pass thine self off as a Battle Sister.
470. Thou shalt not try to dance with a Banshee on the field of battle.
471. Thou shalt not throw sticks for the Space Wolves.
472. Thou shalt not play ìfetchî with the Space Wolf Commanders ìpetî Fenrisian Wolves.
473. Thou shalt not keep a Tyranid as a pet.
474. Thou shalt not challenge a Carnifex to a game of ìcatchî.
475. Thou can not tie a Wraithlords laces together
476. Thou shalt not call a Battle Sister ìbabeî.
477. Thou shalt not be envious of the IG unit who art friends to the Sister Famulous!
478. Thou shalt not steal the Tau Pulse Rifles, even if they are better than thy Bolters.
479. Thou shalt not ask the Battle Sister if they would like to slip into something more comfortable.
480. The Hellhound is not something you put on a leash and take for "walkies".
481. Thou shalt not arm-wrestle with Tactical Dreadnoughts.
482. Thou shalt not watch whilst the Battle Sisters change out of their Power Armour.
483. Ork Warbosses are not toys, you can not try to pull their arms off and jump up and down on them.
484. Thou shalt not relieve thy self behind a tree during battle.
485. Thou shalt not go to thy great Emperor and make him "perform an illegal operation and be shut down".
486. Thou shalt not wrestle the Battle Sisters and try to "pin them down".
487. An Iron Halo is not a toy.
488. A tank is not a toy.
489. A Dreadnought is not a toy.
490. Thou shalt not jump on the back of a Dreadnought in battle and see how long you can stay on.
491. Thou shalt not play toy soldiers with the Guardsmen.
492. The Space Hulk is not a wrestler.
493. Spiky Bitz are not 'cool'.
494. Khorne is a Chaos God not a food.
495. Thou shalt not use Power Claws as scissors.
496. Thou shalt not use Power Armour power points to plug in thy Gameboy.
497. Thou shalt not use Hellion skyboards to impress the Sisters.
498. Thou shalt not place a flashing light on top of the Rhino so that it is easier to find in the car park.
499. If showing a Tau how your Boltgun works thou shalt not give it to him the wrong way round.
500. A Necron is not a Meccano kit
501. Thou shalt not tell the Inquisitor "say what you want about Chaos, but those Slaanesh can party!"
502. Though shalt not blast "flight of the Valkeries" when buzzing enemies in your Land Speeder
503. Thou shalt not trade His Most Delectable rations for gourmet Eldar tofu
504. Thou shalt not offer backscratches when issued Lightning Claws
505. Yes, itís cheating to use Jump Packs during a basketball game
506. No, you can't pose for Playgirl's "the men of the Adeptus Astartes"
507. Enforcing discipline is not sending the Neophytes to procure strong monkish ale
508. Don't call the Adeptus Mechanicus about warranty information concerning your destroyed Land Raider
509. Don't shave a Bloodthirster in its sleep, it only makes them more angry when it wake up
510. Do not deface His Most Blessed Battle Barges with the bumper sticker "We don't Brake"
511. Thou shalt not compare thy height with that of the Ratling Snipers
512. Thou Shalt not go the Way of The Navy
513. Thou Shalt Not Kick the Emperor if thy see the Kick me sign on Him.
514. Thou shall not try to prove your '1337' skills on Necrons, in the Eldar Webway, or on the Martian central cogitator mainframe
514. Thou shalt not throw a bone at a Bloodthirster or flesh hounds shouting fetch
515. Thou shalt not ask the Salamanders for a light
516. Thou shalt not get Blood Angles to go to anger management classes
517. Thou shalt not challenge White Scars to a street race.
518. Thou shall not referee to Imperial Guard as gun fodder
519. 20ft high electro-magnets should not be used around Necrons
520. Thou shall not place the liber chaotica in your ex-wifeís possession
521. Reid is completely useless against a Carnifex
522. Salamanders do not need to go to "how to stop burning things" classes
523. Thou shall not borrow the librarians psychic hood for the annual Guess Who Competition.
524. Thou shall not pour water on an Avatar
525. Thou shalt not attach a "For Sale: Previously owned by one careful user" to the wreck of a destroyed Dreadnought.
526. Thou shalt not feed bio-carbonate soda to the Inquisitors Psyber-Eagle
527. Thou shalt not use a Railgun as a see-saw.
528. Thou shalt not comment on Captain Tycho not having his "happy face" on.
529. Thou shalt not mention the phrase "bath time" in front of the space wolves.
530. Thou shalt never mention, under pain of death, the stunted race of humanoids that mysteriously disappeared from the universe for unexplained reasons.
531. Thou shalt not consider a detachment to Armageddon as a "Holiday".
532. Thou shalt not refer to Tallarn as "the big beach".
533. Thou shalt not tie an Inquisitors boot laces together and then run away giggling.
534. Thou shalt not utilise the highly sophisticated, advanced and expensive long range communications array to make prank phone calls to the local bar and ask for a "Mr I.P.
535. Thou shall not take the Emperor out walking
536. Thou shall not attempt to be friends with Tyranids
537. Thou shalt not "Borrow" the Land Raiders to race them then when they come back wrecked, blame it on chaos
538. Thou shalt not write clean me on a Catachan Chimera
539. Thou shalt not fry ants with the Meltagun
540. Thou shalt not fill the back of the Missile Launcher with promethium to "see what happens"
541. Thou shalt not paint "beware of dog" on the Wolf Lord's armour
542. Thou shalt not play pin the tail on the donkey with the Rough Riderís horses
543. Thou shalt not date Deamonettes or other followers of Slaanesh, no matter how tempting the concept may be.
544. Thou shall not blame the Chapel heating for falling asleep during prayer
545. Thou shall not paint 2 blue stripes down the middle of a Rhino and call it a 'Viper' variant
546. Tau are not 'noobs'
547. Thou shalt not refer to Assault Marines as 'tooled up pretty boys'
548. The Ultramarines do have a sense of humour
549. Thou shall not use the Land Raider for off road races
550. Thou shalt not give manicures to Lightning Claws
551. Thou shalt not procure Noisemarineís weapons for thine garage band
552. Thou shalt not comment on the temperature around thine Salamanders Brethren
552. Thou shalt be punished for speaking the blasphemous "argh matey" around thine Chapter Master with the bionic leg
553. Thou shalt not offer to "pump you up" to Imperial Guardsmen
554. Thou shalt decline all invitations to party with Slannesh
555. Thou shalt not salvage Spore Mines for whoopee-cushions
556. Thou shalt not drag race thine abdominous opponents for bragging rights
557. Thou shalt not ask "Ever wonder if the machine god is a C'Tan?" or thine shalt be branded Heretic and purged.
558. "Pucker up homos!" is not an Adeptus Astartes approved battlecry
559. Thou shalt not suggest a Banshee take voice lessons.
560. Thou shalt not attempt to procure "the good stuff" from thine Apothecary
561. Thou shalt not suggest thine Chapter Master is "so old his farts bow dust"
562. Thou shalt not resort to nipple crippling when losing a fight girded with a Power Fist
563. An Honour badge was never granted for basket weaving or surfing, to suggest so in sacrilegious and thou shalt report to the Chaplain for suitable penance.
564. Thou shalt not replace thy Veteran Sergeants Bolt Pistol ammo for a flag with "bang" upon it.
565. Thou shalt not use Power Swords for letter openers.
566. Thou shalt not challenge Eldar to a bike race.
567. Thou shalt not place thy holey banana into a Ravenwing Bike exhaust.
568. Thou shalt not use Tyranid rending claws as tooth picks
569. Thou shalt not use thy Plasma Cannons power pack for Christmas lights.
570. Thou shalt not use Lightning Claws as back scratchers.
571. Thou shalt not use thy Techpriest tools to unblock thy holy toilet.
572. Thou shalt not use thy Emperors throne for personal use.
573. Thou shalt not use the Techmarine's Servo Arm to serve drinks.
574. Thou shalt not replace the Chaplain's Bike with a pedal-tricycle.
575. Thou shalt not replace the Chaplain's Holy Relic with a cuddly toy.
576. Thou shalt not use Chain Fists to clip thy toenails.
577. The fact that Razorbacks have spiked rams at the front does not entitle you to use them as bumper cars.
578. Thou shalt not attempt to fill Smoke Launchers with Silly String.
579. Thou shalt not pester Dreadnoughts with "So what's it like to die then?î
580. Thou shalt not sing "Who let the dogs out" when visiting the Fang
581. Thou shalt not offer the Emperor any kind of anti-wrinkle products
582. Thou shalt not do loops while flying a Battle Barge.
583. No, a Jump Pack is NOT a hairdryer.
584. Thou shalt not refer to Magneus Calgar as 'Papa Smurf'
585. Thou shalt not call Blood Angels 'pretty boys'
586. Thou shalt not say 'dead man walking' every time thou see a Dreadnought
587. Kroot hounds DO NOT make good Company mascots
588. Space Wolf bites are actually worse than their bark
589. Thou shalt not use Rhino dozer blades to help build thy Brother in laws patio
590. Remember Krootox are to be used as Christmas presents
591. Thou shalt not make breathing noises and say 'we meet at last Obi-Wan' when handling Power Weapons
592. Remember a 2+ armour save does not make you a Primarch
593. Thuo shalt not refer to Chaplain Lemartes as 'ticker-tape man'
594. Thou shalt not say to an Inquisitor 'hey, i hear theyíre bringing out the Malus
Codicium in paperback'
595. Thou shalt not whistle 'close encounters of the 3rd kind' every time you see a Tau
596. Thou shalt not send Legion of the Damned Brethren trick or treating
597. Thou shalt not "drag" with the Chapters Thunderhawks
598. Thou shalt not ask an Ork for some "'sprooms"
599. When thou hast taken many casualties, thou shalt 'flee' towards the guns of thy enemy hoping that their next volley may be more accurate
600. Thou shalt not refer to the Grey Knights as 'Catholic fundamentalists'.
copy-pasted from: Forum of Turn Signals on a Land Raider
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Eternity comes to those who wait. Human is as Human does. Have Fun |
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robomummy
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| | Re: Warhammer comedy!
« Reply #36 on Mar 13, 2011, 10:07pm » | |
thats the 3rd time someone has posted those in a thread here, still funny.
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She's stirred up the Internet:
God help her
The voices may not be real.....but they have some good ideas. |
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Genevaman
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Hey, how ya doin'?
Joined: May 2009
Gender: Male
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Location: The land of Lucky Charms!
| | Re: Warhammer comedy!
« Reply #37 on Mar 14, 2011, 1:07am » | |
Khorne, Slaanesh, Tzeentch and Nurgle are sitting together at a bar. After a few drinks Khorne turns to the others and says:
"You know, I think I might be the angriest being in the universe. I should apply for the Guinness Book of World Records."
"That's not a bad idea," replies Tzeentch, "I too might apply as I am clearly the most devious being in the universe!"
"Me too," says Slaanesh, "I'm obviously the most perverse being in the universe."
"And I'm probably the most repulsive being in the universe," adds Nurgle.
And so they agree on it and the following day head off to be judged for the Guinness Book of World Records.
Khorne finishs up first and greets the crowd gathered outside with a triumpant roar.
"It's true! I truly am the angriest being in the universe!"
Tzeentch follows soon after, smirking callously.
"As was predicted, I am undoubtably the most devious being in the universe."
A few hours later Slaanesh strolls proudly towards them snickering.
"I was right. I am the most perverse being in the universe!"
The three wait for Nurgle to return and after a time he finally emerges with a foul expression on his face.
"How did it go, Nurgle?" ask the three.
"Who the hell is Justin Beiber?!" he cries.
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A link a day keeps some boredom away!
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Alta
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Gender: Male
Posts: 1,050
Location: ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha
| | Re: Warhammer comedy!
« Reply #38 on Mar 14, 2011, 8:43am » | |
To: Lord-Inquisitor Von Grimm, Ordo Hereticus
From: Inquisitor Bigotin, Ordo Hereticus
Subject: Inquisitorial Purge BD-4992 "The Hogwarts Heresy"
Transmitted: Inquisitorial Fortress, Bethor VIII
Transmitter: Astropath Ginla
Receiver: Astropath Wulesh
Salutations Lord!
I am pleased to report that the heretical witch-coven, the blasphemous sect known as "Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft" has been eliminated, and every member of this vile cult has been cleansed with fire and sword.
Accompanied by five squads of veteran Inquisitorial Stormtroopers, two hundred local militia, a dozen arco-flagellants, two Penitent Engines, and three squads drawn from the Order of the Holy Nimbus, we began our assault upon the fortress of the enemy at dawn's first light. Although the castle was hidden from normal sight by a myriad of hexes and foul enchantments, these wards were easily bypassed thanks to the psyk-out strike launched by the Persecution, and we were able to begin the assault.
We stormed the grounds, suffering only minor casualties from various self-defense spell-traps that the enemy had placed within the grounds. These traps were disposed of quickly by my cadre of sanctioned psykers, and we able to press on.
We were soon accosted by a heavily-haired mutant of exceptional height and bulk (see pict attachments 00-03) upon approaching the castle's main portcullis. He was accompanied by a variety of abominable creatures (pict attachments 04-16), gruesome beasts which looked like twisted parodies of ancient creatures of legend- such beasts included a disturbing horse/eagle hybrid and assorted scorpion/crab-like creatures, each one the size of a small land car, amongst others. The large mutant challenged us in an accent I did not recognize, but no doubt it was speaking in some daemonic tongue. I ordered the attack. The creatures of the mutant beast master took a heavy toll on the local militia and my Stormtroopers, but our numbers and weaponry were superior, and the Sisters of the Holy Nimbus swiftly brought down the creatures with bolter, melta and flamer fire. The giant mutant beast master possessed incredible strength and endurance, and managed to inflict crippling damage on one of the Penitent Engines and kill and seriously wound twenty-three militia, Sisters and Stormtroopers before it was brought down by the holy rage of the arco-flagellants (three of which perished due to lethal combat stimm overdose- in death, they have been granted His Forgiveness).
We consolidated our position and set up a strong foothold whilst our chirurgeons and Sisters Hospitaller provided healing for the wounded and mercy for the dying.
To the south, I glimpsed an oval structure that appeared to resemble a standard Imperial amphitheatre or coliseum (pict attachments 17-20). Six tall poles, topped with huge hoops, were situated on this "pitch", three at each end. I theorized that the cult held some form of diabolical rituals or ceremonies there, and that the hoops were utilized in these.
No sooner had our wounded been comforted and aided by our medical staff, the witches of the Hogwarts School appeared. I was at first shocked at the average age of our foe; the youngest seemed to be ten years of standard, the oldest no more than seventeen. They were led by five older psykers (see accompanying pict-files 21-25), and they outnumbered us nearly two to one. At first, I foolishly thought that fighting children would be no challenge, but I chastised myself, remembering that each of these younglings was an illegal psyker, taught by their council of the older rogue psykers.
The eldest of the rogue psykers (pict 21), whom I presumed to be the leader, stepped forward, and I saw the malevolence and hatred in his eyes that spoke of a man driven insane by the daemonic power that he wielded. He personally addressed me, giving his name as Albus Dumbledore, but I did not wish to bandy words with a heretic and a witch, so before he could speak any further and bewitch me, I disposed of him with my stake crossbow and gave the order for my force to attack.
Pandemonium erupted immediately. The younger psykers were herded back into the castle by two of the "teachers"; a wrinkled midget (pict/subject 24) and a portly woman bedecked with scraps of local flora (pict/subject 25). The older children retaliated, led by the other two psykers, a crone-faced woman (pict/subject 22) and a cadaverous man with long black greasy hair (pict/subject 23).
The psykers launched a variety of psychic attacks that killed and/or otherwise incapacitated my warriors. I saw some terrible things. Two Stormtroopers stumbled and fell to the ground, as if their limbs had ceased to function. Sister-Palatine Lucresia was transmuted in a second from a proud warrior of the Adepta Sororitas to a pewter goblet. Local militia either burst into laughter so violent that their blood vessels burst, or were inflated like carnival balloons. Arco-flagellants slipped and collapsed as the ground beneath them was turned to ice. I remained unscathed, thanks to the protection offered by my hexagrammic wards and my accompanying sanctioned and penitent psykers.
I rallied my troops and pressed the attack. Many of the child psykers were slain by the accurate firepower of my Stormtroopers and the Sisters, and they fled in craven dissarray, only to be picked off at the leisure of my warriors and I. Subject 23 was bisected by Sister Superior Paminda's eviscerator, whilst Subject 22 met the Emperor's Judgment at the claws of the Penitent Engine.
We advanced into the castle, gunning down resistance where we found it. Subjects 24 and 25 were killed as they defended the younger heretics, many of who surrendered after the deaths of their "teachers". I tasked Stormtrooper Lieutenant Virone with prisoner detail, and he and his squad set about dealing with the captured children, taking them to the evac zone and transferring them to the null-cells aboard the Persecution, where they would await interrogation and execution.
We finally came across the last point of resistance in the great hall of the castle; a room so seeped in obscene witchery that I permitted only the Sisters and my personal staff to accompany me inside- I could not risk the corruption of the Stormtroopers.
At the end of the hall stood four figures (picts 26-29), all of them young psykers. Three of the psykers were male, and one was female. They began a last-ditch defense, but their efforts were in vain. The blonde, arrogant-looking male (pict/subject 27) was reduced to ashes by my gun-servitor's plasma cannon, and the freckled, red-haired male (pict/subject 2 took a trio of bolter shots to the chest. The female, a young girl with long, curly brown hair (pict/subject 26) surrendered to us, and I immediately placed an inhibitor upon her (I have since transferred Subject 26 to my own staff, where she now serves as a penitent psyker).
The final male, a boy with thick black hair, spectacles, and a curious scar on his forehead (pict/subject 29) was monstrously powerful for one so young, and claimed the lives of four Sisters, my two gun-servitors, and Interrogator Delaun before he was stopped. As Interrogator Tesze held him in the jaws of her mancatcher, I prepared my power stake for the killing strike. Subject 29 looked at me frantically and cried out; "You idiot muggle! If you kill me, Voldemort will return!"
I presumed that "muggle" was some sort of profane cult slang. I had no idea who "Voldemort" was/is, but I assume that the witch's babble was a desperate and useless plea to prevent me from dispensing justice. I paid his rambling no heed, and impaled his heart with my sacred power stake.
Our mission a success, we ransacked the castle for any heretical items that would need to be immediately destroyed to prevent them from corrupting the servants of the Emperor any longer. We found all manner of wands, ingredients, spell books and scrolls, and curious orb-shaped relics (picts 30-32; note the curious wings that adorn the tiny golden ball in pict 32). All was put to the cleansing flame.
Upon our return to the Persecution, I gave the order for Captain Yevonce to begin the orbital bombardment of the castle, completely obliterating the vile structure. As we made warp transition to Bethor VIII, my staff and I began the interrogation of the young witches.
My apologies for the lack of transcripts at this current moment, but I regret to announce that both my scribe-skull and auto-savant are both out of ink and parchment, and Interrogator Tesze has been forced to transcribe the interrogations from the various vox-thief recordings. The transcripts will be with you shortly, my Lord.
The stain of the Hogwarts coven has been wiped from the Emperor's glorious realm.
Your Servant,
Inquisitor Predujis Bigotin
---
copy-pasted from: http://thetyranidhive.proboards.com/inde....ay&thread=26287
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wisdomseyes1
Hive Tyrant
member is offline
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Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools speak because they have to say something.
Joined: Jul 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,622
Location: Los Angelas, California, USA
| | Re: Warhammer comedy!
« Reply #39 on Mar 14, 2011, 5:23pm » | |
Mar 14, 2011, 1:07am, Genevaman wrote:Khorne, Slaanesh, Tzeentch and Nurgle are sitting together at a bar. After a few drinks Khorne turns to the others and says:
"You know, I think I might be the angriest being in the universe. I should apply for the Guinness Book of World Records."
"That's not a bad idea," replies Tzeentch, "I too might apply as I am clearly the most devious being in the universe!"
"Me too," says Slaanesh, "I'm obviously the most perverse being in the universe."
"And I'm probably the most repulsive being in the universe," adds Nurgle.
And so they agree on it and the following day head off to be judged for the Guinness Book of World Records.
Khorne finishs up first and greets the crowd gathered outside with a triumpant roar.
"It's true! I truly am the angriest being in the universe!"
Tzeentch follows soon after, smirking callously.
"As was predicted, I am undoubtably the most devious being in the universe."
A few hours later Slaanesh strolls proudly towards them snickering.
"I was right. I am the most perverse being in the universe!"
The three wait for Nurgle to return and after a time he finally emerges with a foul expression on his face.
"How did it go, Nurgle?" ask the three.
"Who the hell is Justin Beiber?!" he cries. |
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This was genius. Simply genius!
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"All I am after is a life full of laughter"
Normal. Normal can never be amazing. Normal can never be outstanding. Normal can't be interesting, unique, extraordinary, or fun.
When you look at ordinary, when you look at normal, you never give it a second thought. Never more than a passing glance.
Who would ever want to be normal? Invisible. Another drop of rain. |
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salamut2202
Hive Tyrant
member is offline
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Sure you have an opinion, I can just yell louder
Joined: Jan 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
Location: Australia
| | Re: Warhammer comedy!
« Reply #40 on Mar 14, 2011, 8:51pm » | |
Mar 13, 2011, 2:31pm, The Tomato wrote:
Mar 13, 2011, 2:06pm, Genevaman wrote:| A Blood Angel and a Necron walk into a bar. They are lovers and everyone is okay with that. |
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WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD!
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What are willing to bet that Matt gets Chaos and sorcerers can get the mark of Khorne?
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wisdomseyes1
Hive Tyrant
member is offline
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools speak because they have to say something.
Joined: Jul 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,622
Location: Los Angelas, California, USA
| | Re: Warhammer comedy!
« Reply #41 on Mar 14, 2011, 9:53pm » | |
Khorne magic is the most powerful of them all!!! Don't you know that???
It would be super unfair for chaos to use khorne magic...
Holly crud!!! I just realized my thread got stuck... I am... so... happy :')
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"All I am after is a life full of laughter"
Normal. Normal can never be amazing. Normal can never be outstanding. Normal can't be interesting, unique, extraordinary, or fun.
When you look at ordinary, when you look at normal, you never give it a second thought. Never more than a passing glance.
Who would ever want to be normal? Invisible. Another drop of rain. |
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salamut2202
Hive Tyrant
member is offline
Sure you have an opinion, I can just yell louder
Joined: Jan 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
Location: Australia
| | Re: Warhammer comedy!
« Reply #42 on Mar 15, 2011, 4:42am » | |
Double post! 
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wisdomseyes1
Hive Tyrant
member is offline
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools speak because they have to say something.
Joined: Jul 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,622
Location: Los Angelas, California, USA
| | Re: Warhammer comedy!
« Reply #43 on Mar 15, 2011, 5:15pm » | |
1. Sorry
2. The posts were 3 hours apart
3. My computer at home is blocking the 3rd page as inappropriate, so I couldn't actually go on to the page to edit it  (Made the post from the second page)
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"All I am after is a life full of laughter"
Normal. Normal can never be amazing. Normal can never be outstanding. Normal can't be interesting, unique, extraordinary, or fun.
When you look at ordinary, when you look at normal, you never give it a second thought. Never more than a passing glance.
Who would ever want to be normal? Invisible. Another drop of rain. |
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Genevaman
Hive Tyrant
member is offline
Hey, how ya doin'?
Joined: May 2009
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,522
Location: The land of Lucky Charms!
| | Re: Warhammer comedy!
« Reply #44 on Mar 16, 2011, 8:15pm » | |
The original design for the Dreadknight.
![[image]](http://1d4chan.org/images/2/2b/DerpKnight.jpg "[image]")
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A link a day keeps some boredom away!
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